Peter and Andrew – 2nd Letter


I’m excited to hear that you’re not dead. Mostly because you’re my life-long friend, but partially because you proved my mother wrong in saying that you “wouldn’t last three days” without me “babysitting” you. Needless to say, I made a killing off that bet. Enclosed please find part of the winnings, $100. I suppose I owe you some for taking enough care of yourself that you didn’t die after being away from home for three days.

I’m a little upset you didn’t take my offer of the train ticket, but I’ll admit that I admire your resolution to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and make something of yourself. As much as I disagree with your choice of poetry writing; it’s appeal has gone the way of the Byzantine Empire; I respect the assertiveness of your decision. I could have easily gotten you a job pushing papers at Global Synergy Limited, you know. They made me assistant resource coordinator, I’m starting to hold a little sway there! I guess a “normal” job wouldn’t really be your thing, though. You were always one to go against the grain.

By the way, please stop calling it a “poet’s beard.” If you’re going to be giving your beard a nickname, call it by what it really is: your “long, dirty, uneven, ragged, axe-murderer beard.” There’s a reason why no one will let you stay the night, and it’s because you look homeless. There are only two types of people who let in people who look homeless: people who work at HOMELESS shelters and people who like to murder homeless people because it’s easy to get away with. Please shave that fucking thing.

I see a marked improvement in your poetry, Andy. I’ll admit, the true meaning must be going over my head, but the words paint an interesting picture. It makes me think of cars… but in space. Space-Cars, I guess (am I missing something here?). I am still, however, standing strongly by my theory that your “signature” style gives me a fucking migraine.

I’m sure you’ll be happy to hear that things with Cheryl and me are going great! She’s been in a great mood the past couple of days and she even mentioned possibly moving in! How awesome is that? I wish you could see her in this kind of mood, but she’s been like this ever since you… oh. Well that explains her pushiness for offering the train ticket. Let’s be honest, man, you guys hardly ever got along. Remember the guinea pig thing?

You’ll be receiving this at the Omaha post office, I hope. I decided to splurge on the postage since I doubt there are many internet cafes in Nebraska. Have you ever even been outside of New York before this?

There was no money in the donation can, it was a terrible idea to begin with. The sign on it said “Help Andy’s Cause,” but NO ONE KNEW YOU WERE LIVING THERE! You were hiding from the IRS, remember? No one knew who “Andy” was.

Please, please, please take this money and get yourself safely to California. I don’t like the idea of you wandering around the United States anymore.

I’m excited about hearing back from you. For the love of God take care of yourself.


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