As of now there is no word back from Mr. Kooser. I’m sure he will be writing back any day now, so I’ll make sure to contact you as soon as possible.
I want to congratulate you on ruining not only my wine-tasting party but also my life while being more than 2,000 miles away. “How on earth did I do that?” you might ask. Well, things were going fairly well, Arthur, Laurie, Cheryl and I were having a great time. I was getting progressively drunker while still getting by on my minimal wine-knowledge by calling everything I tasted “grape-y.” That is, until Arthur mentioned that he read the most bizarre and hilarious news article earlier that morning while browsing the internet at work. He asked to use my computer to show it to us and I obliged, so we all crowded around the computer to check out this “crazy” story.
Well Andy, apparently news from Salt Lake City travels pretty fast because lo and behold, there on my computer screen in front of me was my friend Andrew, screaming his head off, being dragged away by the police, and throwing Burger King napkins at everyone he saw. Cheryl was noticeably peeved, but then we actually read the article. Everyone got a good laugh at it, that is, until the following excerpt:
…As the crazed man was finally being pulled into a police cruiser, he blurted out “Tell Peter thanks for all the money he recently sent and tell his disease-ridden wench of a girlfriend to go to hell and stay out of my room! BLACK POWER!”
Oh boy, did Art and Laurie every get a good chuckle out of THAT quote. Cheryl, on the other hand, was less than pleased, and she conveyed that feeling to me by trying to put her knee through my testicles. She explained that this was the reason why she could never be serious with me (the reason, I’m assuming, is you) and proceeded to pick up her bag and storm out of the apartment. This was obviously very awkward for Art and Laurie, who asked if I needed help cleaning up before grabbing their things and leaving before I could answer them.
So, thanks again for destroying the one thing about my life that made me really happy. I won’t be sending you any money, for obvious reasons. If you need anything else, don’t hesitate to ask, so I can remind you of that time that you ruined my life.
Please get to California safely. As much as I hate you right now, part of me still doesn’t want you to die.