The Fox Trapper – Letter 1

My beloved Eliza,

I will be the first to admit that this expedition is far different from what I expected it to be. Who would have known from the advertisements that a “fox trapping” expedition meant that after we trapped said foxes, we murdered them and peeled off their skin!? As a strict vegetarian and all-around lover of animals, my stomach again begins to boil merely thinking about it. I assumed (apparently very naively) that we would be capturing these foxes for pets or even as trained entertainment for royalty.

The winter is coming soon and I fear it shall be harsh. Alas, with my poor financial situation and unending desire to wed you, I must push on. This, despite my vomiting every time I view one of the fox carcasses. Making matters worse is the copious amount of jesting the other men have on my behalf. Just yesterday the captain explained that my mother must have mated with a bovine to have made a man who eats nothing but grass and berries (I’d eat a bit more than that if they packed anything besides salted meats). Before I could explain that my father was, in fact, a moderately successful shoe maker the captain delivered a swift jab to my cheek, dislodging three teeth. This trip to the Western frontier has turned into a very difficult situation for myself. I certainly long to be back in Windsor, Connecticut with you.

Oh Eliza, my love, how I long for your touch. Your hair that smells of eggs, your skin as white as said eggs and your eyes as blue as your cheeks that time you choked on a piece of bread. Eliza, my dear, you are like a towering oak tree in the forest and I am a squirrel, hollowing out your insides in order to make room for my nuts and eventually my family.

Should I survive this winter (as well as survive my cohorts) I will return home and wed you like no man has wed a woman before. Then we shall start a family and I will finally pursue my dream of being a harpist in the Scotish Symphony Orchestra. There, we shall be happy.

Foreverfully yours, my love,

Wilbur

P.S. – I found a mouse and he is now my pet. His name is Claudio. He says hello, as well.

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