To my Wonderfully Wondrous Wildly Waggish Witty Wilbur,
Dearest! Perhaps it is the large pull I just took from my newly acquired and constantly nearby flask talking, but firstly, I am going to discuss me. I am proud of myself! The papers loved my satirical cartoon, and printed it in their well-respected pages. I have attached the page containing my cartoon so that you can continue to be proud of me. Now who will call me “Eggy Eliza,” or “Tooth n’ Holes”??? The answer, Wilbur, is NO ONE.
As you will be able to tell once examining, I worked long and hard on this. The drawing deals with my favorite subject of late: alcohol. I used your absence in the wilderness as an inspiration. Honestly, Wilbur, I did plan on making the cartoon a biting satire of man’s need to control the world around him. I was hoping to include pro-fox messages, but the aged whisky got the best of me when it came to writing.
Now, I know what you will ask, Wilbur, and yes, I was corned when I wrote this. Inebriation is such a wonderful muse. The Girls and I are working on a drunken masterpiece: we will drink until lavishly corned, then start drawing and writing. So far, the work contains a mustachioed gent with biceps in place of facial hair.
Onward to whatever it is you wrote. What was it again? Let me look. Oh! Yes. That Claudio mouse of yours is some pumpkins. He is a very impressive fellow. Regardless of your failing health, lack of nourishment and interest in the undertaking, and the hazing you receive from your men, I do believe you should bring Claudio back with you. I will leave out some bread and brandy (my breakfast these past few days).
Because I yearn to make things right, I had showed The Girls the paragraph in your last letter relating to your not-creepy friendship with my brother. Adeline may yet again need her love seat reupholstered. There was much laughter, to the point of urination. Also, a few of us vomited. But, to be fair to you, I assure you it was merely from our partaking in much Vodka and then finding wild mushrooms to eat.
You had mentioned running away, and I believe think you should do this! Nothing fires up my blood more than the thought of seeing you come up on the horizon of these Windsor lands, taking you in my arms, and then over to a bedroom so that we may fornicate.
Excuse my boldness, but I’ve learned not to hold things back anymore. Either that, or I partook in too much opium yesterday when Beatrice brought me to a secret den.
Right, by the way, do NOT tell anyone of that secret opium den! It would be a shame if I were once again forced to live in a world not softened by drug usage.
I will keep my eyes on the horizon and wait for you, my love. Oh, and I showed Claudio your letter, and he wanted me to tell you that he misses your firm hands placed lovingly around his shaft, and that he wants you to come back to Windsor soon so that you two may continue driving the hole.
Please keep me informed of your health, and the possibility of you escaping back to Windsor. I shall be waiting here for you with one arm outstretched to the limits (I need the other to imbibe).
With a love so powerful it makes the very government of our beloved country look like a tea party,