To Tile or Not to Tile – Letter 5

Steve,

When I read your letter about 1 hour, 33 minutes, 42 seconds ago, a wave of rage crashed over my entire body like a tsunami…an ANGRY tsunami! I can not believe that Gaston Clutterbuck is still trying to out-do you. That son of a bitch! I had hoped that when you had not mentioned him in your previous letter, that he simply just finally died and you pissed on his grave like we used to discuss back in the ol’ days.

It is simply absurd that he struck you with Formica and stole your latest masterpiece. “Two Businessmen High-Five While Bruce Lee Flying Kicks Out of the Explosion” sounds like an amazing work of art. We CAN NOT let him get away with this!

I understand your position on not allowing me to get married until this is cleared up. I told Joanne that our marriage would have to be put on hold until Gaston Clutterbuck has been thwarted and peace has been restored to the tile industry. She was confused and thought I was kidding. I told her that I was NOT kidding, and then explained the situation to her in detail.

I spoke of how Gaston went to high school with you. I told Joanne that he learned of the popularity and chicks you were gaining with your tile work, and quickly became quite jealous. Being the star football player, he was expecting all the fame and chicks; but your obvious prodigal talents in the field of tile-work had raised you to a god-like level in that school. Once you were elected Prom King, Gaston swore his revenge.

I told Joanne that for years, Gaston was simply a nuisance with a sub-par tiling business that could never hold a candle to yours. I mean, remember that one time he tried to sneak into your office without knowing you booby trap it? We must have watched that security tape at least 82 times: that nail-gun shooting him in the chest, him running out screaming. CLASSIC!

Joanne doesn’t sound like she understands. She seems to be an emotional cocktail made with 1 part confusion and two parts anger. And let me tell you that I’ve been sipping this cocktail since I told her the news, and it does NOT go down smooth. There is a lot of yelling with intermittent sobs. She also quoted The Merchant of Venice at me by saying “If I can catch him once upon the hip, I will feed fat the ancient grudge I bear him.” Honestly though, it just make me think of bears.

Joanne’s not a bad person though, Steve. In time, I know she’ll understand, and maybe even help! If I can get her to seduce Gaston, you and I can ransack his home and business until we find your sketch. Then, I will send Joanne a text message telling her to cease her seductive acts, and maybe she can knock him unconscious by slamming a lead pipe into his skull!

Yes, I do believe this is a great plan. And, like you said in your letter, once we right these wrongs I can go on and marry Joanne, the love of my life, and you can be my best man!

Don’t worry, Steve. We’ll get this guy and restore your rightful place on top of the throne of the tile industry!

Also, next time you see Mom and Dad, please let them know that I have cleaned up my act and will be getting married. You don’t need to tell them the marriage is currently on hold until we get our revenge on Gaston. That would just worry them.

I’ll be hearing from you soon, bro. Love ya,

– Mack

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