To Tile or Not to Tile – Letter 7


Thank you for your kind words. I am glad that you thought of my latest idea as more than just “a cacophony of garbled ass” spewing from my mouth. That may just be the nicest compliment you’ve ever given me. But, like you’ve mentioned to me my entire life, I will not expect the kind words from you to continue.

I did a little bit of research and found out that your douchebag rival, Gaston Clutterbuck, frequents many Star Wars online forums under the name “GrandMoffClutterbuck.” So, you were right: he once again copied your life goals and interests. I dug a little deeper and found an interesting post of his. I printed out a screenshot. Take a look at it.

Within his typo-ridden reply lies a large amount of fantasy (the only “tip” i remember him getting was a punch in the face for that horrendous AT-AT he made in someone’s bathroom that looked like a bunch of dicks). Also, check it out, he mentions a plan for a new piece of tile-art “he” created! That son of a bitch is probably talking about “Two Businessmen High-Five While Bruce Lee Flying Kicks Out of the Explosion”! We have to get that post haste!

I got Joanne to agree to the plan by appealing to her love of acting. I told her of the Princess Leia outfit, and how she has to pretend she’s an out-of-towner who needs directions to a sci-fi convention from a tile expert. Don’t worry though: I wrote down exactly what you said so that Joanne can memorize that. I wouldn’t dare ruin the plan by attempting to allow my words to be spoken aloud, as you’ve always warned me of.

And don’t worry, Joanne didn’t mind one bit that the Leia outfit was from Role Playing. When she does her Shakespearean plays, we often keep her wardrobe for some bedroom fun! I never thought a lusty affair with Bianca from The Taming of the Shrew would be so erotic…but I was proved WRONG on 13.5 occasions.

But, back to the topic at hand: Joanna said she is looking forward to doing some contemporary acting. I’ve already told her to do all in her power to tempt Clutterbuck, yet hold off on the sexual activity. I just hope he doesn’t offer her any cocaine. She broke that bad habit a long time ago. Also, it would break my heart if she got all jazzed up on blow and sexed around with that bastard.

You may wonder why this letter is arriving at your doorstep instead of Joanne and I. Well, since Joanne and I reside in Ashland, Oregon, as I mentioned, we need to book a flight to get to your house. The earliest flight we could afford is at the end of next week. If you are willing to front some cash in your reply letter, we will book an earlier flight right away! This is also why I had this letter express mailed (in case you were wondering).

I can not wait to set this plan into action! I will hear from you soon, brother.

– Mack

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