Dear Mr. and Mrs. Conroy,
Greetings from Camp Kerchoki, the North West’s premier summer excursion for teens of abnormally large size! We would like to thank you for choosing us as the destination for your son, Grover. We here at Camp Kerchoki are dedicated to being a safe and comfortable environment for your son to shed those unwanted pounds.
We would also like to assure you that we are dedicated to finding Grover. You see, while on one of our patented “Chub Treks,” our counselor seemed to have miscounted his campers on their way back. He apparently assumed he had all his campers and returned for very healthy lunch of a banana and trail-mix back at the mess hall. It wasn’t until later that night when the campers were required to return to their bunks that we noticed that we were one “Husky Hawk” short of a tribe.
Since then, which is now three days ago, I have been personally searching every inch of the Kerchoki Forest to find young Grover. I urge you to not yet panic, as there is no doubt in my mind that Grover is alive and well (or at the very least alive and passed out from heat exhaustion). The fat stored in his body can easily last him a month or so and there are a number of fresh water brooks for him to drink from.
From my experience, the local wildlife only poses a very small threat. The Grizzly Bears that inhabit the area only attack when provoked or the target is fat, dumb and clumsy enough to be considered “a gimme.”
I understand that this will be a very difficult time for you, but I must inform you of one other thing. There has been a disturbing amount of apathy towards Grover’s disappearance throughout the entire camp. Grover, as it turns out, is quite the son-of-a-bitch bastard. He’s been quite the trouble-maker since his arrival. While there have been a number of minute instances, his stabbing of a fellow camper with scissors stands out as probably the worst of his deeds.
While this can easily be considered attempted manslaughter in most states, we believe that rule-breakers should be judged by a jury of their peers in order to teach our campers a lesson in the justice system and to keep the authorities from meddling in our business. While the evidence was stacked high against Grover, the young man was found not guilty. I have my suspicions that he bribed the jury with smuggled Ring Dings, but this has yet to be confirmed.
As I’m sure you are aware, Camp Kerchoki still maintains a strict “no phone calls” policy in order to prevent whiny campers from convincing their parents to take them home. Due to this, I await a written response from you shortly.
Again, I apologize for losing your kid. I’m really trying extra, extra hard to find him.