I suppose we’ll start with the matter that you are probably most concerned about: No, we haven’t found your son yet. We even checked the caves, as you had asked. However, we’ve found a couple of clues that are very good signs that he is still possibly alive. First off we found his “Camp Kerchoki” Hat dangling on a branch 3-4 miles from camp. Although this is no guarantee he’s alive, It’s a much better sign than finding the hat dangling off a bear’s ear.
We also found a stool sample consisting almost entirely of Ring-Dings that was only 2 days old (we have a fairly sophisticated science and nature cabin, as you may have read in the brochure). Apparently Grover had been a very untruthful Husky Hawk. This makes us almost certain he is still alive and frolicking through the Kerchoki Forest! Unless, of course, a bear tore your son open and ate only the contents of his stomach and we found the bear feces. But… um… I doubt that happened.
Your wife has been here for only 3 days, but ever since she pulled up to the camp on her motorcycle (which she apparently “procured” from a gentleman when her car ran out of gas), the camp has been VERY different. In a good way, mostly. Your wife has certainly taken a leadership role in not only finding your son but in the weight-loss regime of the kids, as well. The campers have been losing weight at a record pace thanks to Estella’s “Terrify the Chub Out of Them” program. Basically, this program consists of your wife threatening to give the campers a “back-alley liposuction” if they didn’t get their acts together. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I’ve never seen the Large Lemurs run so fast!
She’s quite an aggressive lady, Leslie. In the time that she is not searching for Grover or pointing knives at the campers, she has basically harangued me into being her personal manservant. I’ve been personally preparing and delivering her meal of whatever animal she decided to kill that day as well as massaging her feet. After every massage she gives me a robust slap on the rear and yells “Mission Complete, Soldier!”
I hope this letter brings you comfort that we are still hard at work finding your son and your wife has settled in quite well here. I’d like to thank you again for choosing Camp Kerchoki, the North West’s premier summer excursion for teens of abnormally large size. Keep in mind that losing children is NOT a company policy and is a very rare occurrence. I look forward to hearing from you soon.