Dear Mr. Conroy,
You’ll be pleased to know that we’ve located your son. He strolled back to camp yesterday after apparently having gone on a multi-week Oreo milkshake bender in one of the neighboring towns. He explained to us that the local Applebees waitresses thought he was “sooooo cute,” and they “just had to keep him.” So he lived in the restaurant and was fed nothing but free Oreo milkshakes and french fries because these extremely dense individuals felt it was appropriate to keep a child as a pet for a couple of weeks. He presumably got so tired of the same two foods everyday for a couple of weeks that he just up and left one day without saying goodbye. I sincerely apologize for the oversight of only exploring the surrounding woods and not visiting any of the surrounding neighborhoods. Once again, I’d like to thank you for choosing Camp Kerchoki, the North West’s premier summer excursion for teens of abnormally large size, and hope you will choose us in the future.
On a more personal note, you’ll be pleased to know that ever since I turned your face into the North West’s premier summer excursion for my fists, I’ve been living in a type of hell normally reserved for child molesters and people who hit priests with baseball bats. My wife (formerly yours, if you recall) Estella has been a bit testy ever since I thrashed you in the Tri-Battle for her custody. She’s been saying some very hurtful things like “I’m still married to Leslie you dumb shit,” and “I only pretended to show interest in you so you’d find my son.” When I explained to her that she wouldn’t be going home once we found Grover, she ran down to the mess hall and threatened to break every bone in poor Rusty Bunckle’s particularly round body if I didn’t let her leave. Needless to say, Les, Estella is none too pleased with the Tri-Battle results.
And so, with a heart heavier than Grover after weeks of 1,000+ calorie beverages for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I’ll be sending Estella and Grover home in a few days. Please, take good care of my wife. For these past 2 weeks, she’s been everything to me.