Dear Dr. Chiribada,
I appreciate how quickly your response time was. My situation has deteriorated since I last wrote you. There are actual feathers poking their way out of my arms and legs and the seed cravings increase in intensity day after day. I’ve been wearing long-sleeved shirts and slacks to work everyday, and as a dolphin trainer this is extremely unusual and uncomfortable. Dr. Chiribada, please tell me that I won’t have to kill myself before I transform into that disgusting creature I’ve grown to hate.
My ManUp Points, as they apparently call it in the medical business, would put former NHL enforcer Dave Schultz to shame. I’m surprised that the amount of steaks I’ve eaten haven’t turned me into a cow and the porno has been a staple of my life since my wife stopped sleeping with me for fear of Avian Flu. There have still been no improvements. Unfortunately, the handful of D20’s that have been in my pocket where ever I go have gotten me beaten up more than that time I wore that Dokken shirt senior year of high school. I’m no doctor, but maybe that’s been counteracting the treatment.
I’m scared. If there is anything that I can help you with to remedy my situation I would be more than happy to do it. Just please, keep me from being a bird. I’ve been fighting off the urge to type “CRAAAAAAAAAAW” the entire time I’ve been writing this.
With all my admiration and terror,