Geez, I guess your situation is deteriorating worse than I had hoped it would. That’s cool though, I’m still your man.
If the all steak-and-porno lifestyle didn’t help, then more drastic measures need to be taken in order to ensure you stop turning into some lame-ass bird.
I may have to see you.
Do you know why I picked my specialty, Steve? Diagnostic Anthropomorphism intrigues me because I can’t see why anyone would want to be anything other than a human. I mean, we can eat a-whole-lotta steaks, have hedonistic sex, even have crazy hot hedonistic steak sex! That still may be a little advanced for you though.
But, in the end, I definitely think you can just stop turning into a bird if you remembered how to be manly. I think ultimately, your problem is a lack of confidence. That’s why I have to see you personally and prescribe you 1000mg of WILD-BENDER.
I noticed that we live near each other. Meet me this upcoming Friday downtown, on main street, in front of that new bar O’Malley’s. Wear something that you’d normally wear if you wanted to get chicks to turn their heads your way. If feathers are poking their way through your arms and legs, I definitely say to continue wearing the long-sleeved shirts. I know what ladies want, and they sure as hell don’t want some stupid birdman walking their way. I’m sure that this bender is not only going to cure you, but it’ll also make every damn dolphin trainer you work with quite jealous.
Oh, and don’t tell anyone you’re a dolphin trainer. That shit’s stupid. This Friday your profession is going to be: Guy Who Sets Lions on Fire With His Dick. Say you work in Vegas and people won’t think twice about it. Crazy shit goes down in Vegas.
You said you’d do anything to remedy your situation. Now PROVE IT.
Quit being a feathered douchebag,
– Dr. William Chiribada III