1. It’s Dr. Chiribada. ALWAYS Dr. Chiribada. Only my mother calls me “Bill,” and only my sex-crazed lovers call me “Willy.” You are neither.
2. There is absolutely no other option to improve your situation of turning into a bird. If you wanted another option, like a “pill or surgery or exposing [yourself] to extreme amounts of radiation,” you should have stuck with one of those quack “normal doctors” that you saw prior to me.
Because I did not want you to get in trouble for stealing from the Smithsonian (unless it is absolutely necessary), I took the privilege of writing Paramount Studios, asking them if they had any authentic Fonzie Jackets I could borrow to help turn you back into a man. I explained your situation, and got this in return:
Thank you for writing in regards to Happy Days! Unfortunately, we do not have any “authentic Fonzie Jackets,” as you requested. But don’t “sit on it” yet! Ayyyyyyy!
We will be sending you a complimentary copy of Happy Days, The First Season on DVD. We hope this helps you stay in touch with the Fonz, Richie, and all your favorites in the Happy Days gang.
It is clear to me that Jane Smith is a moron with no medical training. Obviously, if watching episodes of Happy Days would cure you, I would have no need for the jacket. But it is not enough. Watching Ralph Malph cower away from confrontation while Fonzie breaks up the situation without using any violence is sure to give you a few more ManUp Points, yes. But your situation is dire. You are closer than ever to becoming a full-fledged birdman; and this ass-head Jane Smith is doing nothing to help! I mean, in season 1, Fonzie doesn’t even wear his leather jacket all that much! He’s got that white windbreaker number on and looking quite UNCOOL if I may say so myself.
So, I’m sorry to say, but you’re going to need to break into the Smithsonian. But, there is good news. I’m confident that your transformation back into a man by having your feathers explode off of you will happen the instant you put on Arthur Fonzerelli’s jacket. Therefore, you will not need to steal it. Simply put it on, give two thumbs up and your best Fonzie impersonation, and that should do the trick. This way, if you get caught, it’ll just be for tampering with a piece of fine art, and not attempting to steal it.
Let me know how this goes. Now stop reading, get off your feathered-ass, and DO IT!
– Dr. William Chiribada III