Eat My Dust – Letter 2

Mr. Callahan,

I don’t know how exactly you found my home address, but the answer is still a startlingly loud “NO!” It was “no” the 242 times you wrote me about “Patrick Porcupine and the Parsnip Predicament,” and the 429 times you wrote about “Farmer Fred Fasts for Framadan.” Really? Framadan? That’s Gregorius Nekschot territory right there. Look it up.

Your incessant pestering has become quite a nuisance as well as a huge waste of time to our mail room. There is no reason to send a copy of each letter to each employee of the company. The janitors have no say in who gets published and who does not. It only takes one person to tell you your writing sucks, and that person is me.

Your writing sucks.

Why? Maybe its your tragic misunderstanding of the world’s religions. Maybe its your belief that the only literary device that exists is alliteration. Maybe its because we ran a background check on you and noticed multiple restraining orders. I’m thinking though, that its probably a mixture of all of those aspects.

We here at Bridgewater Publishing Company strive for excellence in our childrens’ literature. Your writing is PARSECS away from excellent. Not only was Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION! the most head-slammingly boring book I’ve ever read (and I’ve read a few, as a matter of fact) but Dibby the Dust Bunny was portrayed by actual dust bunnies that you presumably found around the house. That sir, is disgusting.

In closing, thank you for your interest in Bridgewater Publishing Company and PLEASE STOP WRITING LETTERS TO US.

The Very Talented Mr. Elliott Bridgewater

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