To The Very Talented Mr. Elliott Bridgewater,
How I got your home address is none of your concern. You can rest assured that I did it utilizing as few illegal resources as possible.
In your letter, you discuss the previous times I wrote to you with book ideas. The 242 times I wrote about Patrick Porcupine and the Parsnip Predicament may have been a bit overbearing. And I apologize. But ONLY because reading that work now makes me realize it was the work of a much younger man. The 429 times I wrote you concerning Farmer Fred Fasts for Framadan were because I believed this book to be unique and enlightening. I created a holiday to show how anyone, even Farmer Fred — an old racist — can get into the spirit of embracing the new.
Perhaps that was a bit heavy-handed. Although I still think of it as “A Green Eggs and Ham for the New Generation,” as I stated in at least 300 of those letters.
I got the hint from your response that you were not a big fan of Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION! I have included another draft copy of this brilliant book in case you were accidentally sent a copy with its pages ripped out or something. It’s the only reason I could fathom for you not loving it.
I mean, it’s the story of Darryl Delamater, a little boy who accompanies his single-father to a neighbor’s house to ask for a cup of sugar. Darryl finds a dust bunny named Dibby who is SO ALIVE that the children reading can even feel him (this is why I put real dust bunnies I found in my house into the book). Dibby takes Darryl to a wonderful land of make-believe called Oeihawh 9, hence the Day of Digression!
And as for the thought that I only understand alliteration as a literary device, I point you towards the subtle genius of the character “Government Bird.” The only word he can squawk is “justice.” Government Bird tries to help Dibby show Darryl more about Oeihawh 9, but more often than not ends up taking them down messy and confusing roads that bring them right back to where they were before.
JUST LIKE JUSTICE IN THE GOVERNMENT.
In closing I really believe that you’ll enjoy this copy of my manuscript which I have attached, ensuring that no pages are missing. I also have attached a signed sketch of what I assume will be your new favorite character, Government Bird.
– Harold Callahan (Pen Name “Silly Sammy Saunders”)
PS. If you do not accept this copy for publication, I will be forced to take more drastic measures.