Eat My Dust – Letter 4

Dear Mr. Callahan,

As a person with the amount of fame and fortune as I do, I feel it necessary to assume that your statement, “If you do not accept this copy for publication, I will be forced to take more drastic measures,” is a threat to the lively-hood of myself and my family. To that same effect, the dead crow that came crashing through my dining room window 2 days ago is being considered a threat to my life by the Londonderry police. We are all under the assumption that it is from you because of the word “GOVERNMENT” written in white Sharpee on the bird’s back.

I thought I had made it fantastically clear that you will never, EVER become a published children’s author, ESPECIALLY by Bridgewater Publishing. You just do not have what we in the biz like to call “It.” And by “It,” I mean a shred of talent. Oeihawh 9 in your book Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION! is a 95% plagiarism of Lewis Carol’s Alice in Wonderland. For example, all you did was change the first letter of the characters in Wonderland to create their Oeihawh 9 counterparts: The Larch Hare, Pheshire Cat, Aueen of Hearts, etc. How would ANYBODY go about pronouncing Aueen let alone your supposed target “5 ¼ – 7 7/12” age range?

If I were you, Mr. Callahan, I would quit the childrens’ book business immediately and seek some professional help. Do you know what Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, and Hitler all had in common? They were all terrible childrens’ book authors. Look at the path you’re taking, Harold. Is this really what you want to be? That’s what I thought.

I urge, nay, I beg you to check yourself into a mental hospital. It will work out so much better for you, me, and my terrified family. Thank you for understanding.

The Obscenely Talented Elliott Bridgewater

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