Dear Mr. Bridgewater,
In reference to the above mentioned complaints, we have investigated your claims and we are passing on our findings as per your request.
13 Days ago your office contacted our department complaining of receiving dozens of disturbing letters from one, Harold Callahan aka. “Silly Sammy Saunders” aka. “Bertrand ‘Godhead’ Russell’ aka. “Valerio de los Olivo” aka “The Devanagari.”
Please note, that many of those restraining orders are several years old and none of Mr. Callahan’s known associates still reside in the Londonderry area or have a similarly long list of aliases, which my men frankly find demeaning to run down. As a result of being forced to ask friends and neighbors about the whereabouts of men named “Snoophy” and “Professor Lightningbug” morale suffered more than even during the series of “Candyshop Murders” our precinct was investigating in 1998.
An investigation of Mr. Callahan’s last known address revealed an apartment that looked to have been abandoned for some time. Below is an itemized list of our findings:
– 6 Bottles of Ketchup (Unopened)
– 5 Bottles of Mustard (Opened)
– 17 lbs of stuffing presumably from 1 or more plush toy(s) laid out on the kitchen floor
– 1 copy of a manuscript titled Rice Price in A Case of Twice the Lice! With red markings crossed throughout and the word “No!” repeatedly written on the pages therein
– 4 copies of a manuscript titled Scotty the Dogcatcher in Feline the Pinch!
– 8 copies of a manuscript titled Randomhouse in Precise Order: The Max Breyer Story
– 412 copies of a manuscript Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION! With the blurb “’The most head-slammingly brilliant book I’ve ever read (and I’ve read a few!)’ – Elliot Bridgewater” written in red ink on the front cover
– 4 threatening collection letter’s from UPS/Kinko’s dated 6 months ago, 5 months ago, 4 months ago and last month with an outstanding balance of $19,462.55.
We have concluded that Mr. Callahan has left town and should be no further bother to you. We have forwarded the remaining manuscripts to your office and given the tremendous resources we have already devoted to this case consider the matter closed.
Lieutenant Gerald McGerr,
Londonderry Police Department, Domestic Unit