Team Deathray – Letter 1


I would like to discuss with you your performance on the Volleyball courts.

I know it was our first week of this recreational league, and I even heard some people from other teams say things like “this is a great reason for us to drink beer and have snacks by the water!” Well, this is NOT the attitude I have, and it will NOT be the attitude that we have on Team Deathray.

Team Deathray is about WINNING. Winning and winning alone. Which is why I declared myself team captain, and why am writing to you today. This is a competition, Philip, not an excuse for you to laugh with your friends and play games.

I know that we only met at your sister’s and my wedding a few weeks ago, but the reality of the situation is that I am here to stay and that things will be my way or the highway. We had to move back to New Jersey because your sister’s job transferred her back to her hometown. No offense, but I was fine not knowing your family. The stories I hear make me uneasy. All the joy and imbibing and baking…not my style.

I am big on stern competition and winning. I laugh whenever people say “it’s not a competition.” EVERYTHING’s a competition! This recreational Volleyball league was your sister’s idea. She wanted to get some friends and your family together in an opportunity for us to all get to know each other better. I warned her that if we did this, I would need to be team captain, and I would require 100% dedication. She laughed.

She should not have laughed.

This recreational league is serious business, Philip. And if we are to win am going to have to start seeing more dives, more spikes, and less chit-chat and beer consumption. How you choose to abuse your body is none of my business. However, it becomes my business when you bring a cooler to our court and ask who wants “a brewskie.” This behavior has to stop NOW.

We will meet after work tomorrow to go over drills and discuss our next plan of attack. It’s a war to first place, and I intend on standing atop a pile of those who I have defeated and shouting “I HAVE DEFEATED YOU! I AM YOUR NEW GOD!”


– Your brother-in-law Scott

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