Team Deathray – Letter 4

Scott,

Holy Moley! My heart’s doing triple-somersault 180’s at the thought of you becoming a true member of the “clan.” I really always liked you Scott, but let’s be honest, things have not been exactly right since you told my mother she had “the backbone of a worm with scoliosis,” when she obliged my request for seconds of her plum-rhubarb pie. I’ll refrain from delving into the biological inaccuracies of the statement but rest assured the family was at the very least slightly offended and at the very most fairly perturbed by your comment.

But enough chit-chat, let’s get to work. So, you want to be a vegan-friendly, tree-hugging hippie? You just so happen to have chosen the perfect mentor! I am EXTREMELY friendly to vegans (some may say too much so) and I’ve been known to hug a tree every now and again, usually after I’ve made some of my PCP brownies. It’s going to be a vegan-marshmallow, soy-based rocky road ahead (haha, see what I did THERE?), being carefree, loving, and addicted to hallucinogenic is not as easy as it may seem. But if you truly want to be as close to my sister as I am, you HAVE to do this. Wait, is that weird?

I’ll be shipping over some more… suitable clothes for you that I’ve had in my attic since I was fat and unaware of the magic of veganism. They may fit you differently since you’re a huge, hulking mass of sexy man, but they’ll serve their purpose for the time being. Soon you’ll make your own hemp clothes like the rest of us and you’ll at least look the part. We’ll start small with this as well as you giving up meat completely. You see, Scott, our clan is not only made up of us humans, but also a number of our animal friends. There’s Sun Beam our tabby cat, Moonbeam our Shih-Tzu, Steel Beam our donkey and Jim Beam (my dad’s name, silly him) our gold fish, just to name a few. I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate you consuming any of their cousins when there’s a perfectly good tofu replacement for them.

So I’ll see you at 9am tomorrow, bright and early, for our first yoga lessons. OH GOSHBALLS, THIS IS SO EXCITING! See you then.

-Philip!

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