Team Deathray – Letter 7

Phil Man,

Bro, that Anti-Insulting of Animals rally was GREAT! There was a time when I called protesters “shit-for-brains un-American scum.” But now, through our yoga, organic lifestyle, and recreational drug usage, I see the value in it. I really think that we blew a few minds yesterday, man. Standing still while holding signs and peacefully allowing everyone to go about their daily lives with no interruptions had to make a difference. I like the way you put it: “we will be the lonely man eating a cheese sandwich alone at a diner. We will not disturb you, but you will not be able to take your mind off of us. We will infiltrate your consciousness.” So true man. So true.

And even more true after you drop a few tabs of acid and just let the colors of the wind sweetly caress your music. Know what I mean?

This past week of hippie training has reduced my want to punch people so much so that I barely think about it anymore. Even Henry has noticed that ever since I created him by jamming a bunch of toothpicks into a lonely apple on that crazy night (oh man…so much blood and sour cream!) that I have made vast improvements. Henry frequently talks to me on my drug-induced “trips,” and I must say that he really knows how to put things.

As for Sunny, my beautiful wife, your lovely sister, I must say that I finally UNDERSTAND where she’s coming from now. She’s always spoke highly of author and pioneer of New Journalism, Tom Wolfe. But now I actually listened to her advice, and in a mere 3 days I have read both The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby. The colorful language, the frequent use of onomatopoeia designed to stimulate the senses…I NEVER would have picked up these books before unless it were to throw them in the fire (which I have done several times in the past, and which is why this is her 6th or so copy of each).

So, this new lifestyle, and the way that you say I am close to achieving a state of complete Utopia full of love and Grateful Dead records, is now giving me a new goal we must achieve.

I believe that our Volleyball games would be made ALL THE BETTER if we conducted our own little “acid test” during them. Let’s bring a large container full of a delicious sugary beverage that is laced to the MAX with acid. Then we will offer our opponents some drinks. Since we are now used to the way these psychedelic drugs affect our conscious minds, we will play well while the opposing teams may themselves freak out, run away, open containers of sour cream and ask butchers for buckets of blood to cleanse their soul. This would give us a win by default. It is a new strategy I have adopted to allow us victory in this recreational beach volleyball league that I still care about winning very much.

I noticed at our last game that since I am now beginning to smell like “the clan,” your family and I seem to have a better “group mind” which allows us to properly succeed at Volleyball games! I believe that soon both our desires will be met: I will be a smelly hippie just like my wife and your family, and I will be able to place the league trophy on my nightstand and kiss it goodnight before bed at the end of each day.

So ready the acid, Philip. We’re gonna make drug users out of innocent people!

Free love,

– Scott

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