Team Deathray – Letter 8

Scott,

Hey man, um, listen. I’m, like, super excited about that whole lifestyle change of yours and everything, and I’m really glad things are working out really well with my sister. It’s just, you started to become a lot like us and then you were a lot like us but then you started to become so much like us that you were us and then you, like, transcended us to the point in which you weren’t like us anymore. You know? The clan is all about your acceptance of our lifestyle and even your dabbling in it is cool; you’re always welcome to the hacky sack games, drum circles and “science” experiments. But do you remember when you were an ultra-competitive ‘roided-out shit bag? Well, replace “roided” with “trippy drugs’d” and you’re pretty much right back where you started.

We’ve been winning a lot of our games without the assistance of Performance Deteriorating Drugs (at least ones that the opponent is taking), so I’m not so sure we should be giving these people the trips of their lives without their consent in order to win a couple NON-COMPETITIVE volleyball games. Drugs are to be taken for recreation or to bring oneself closer to that all-knowing being that presides over all living things. Some call him “God” – I call him “Kyle.” It feels less intimidating when you’re talking to someone named Kyle. But whatever you call him, he most certainly does NOT wish for us to be cheating/trying very hard at volleyball.

Scott, I’m really starting to think that the only reason you began to accept our lifestyle was so you can get us to play harder for you by understanding us better. Like the Vince Lombardi of sports that no one should care about. I’m guessing that once you figured out that “try hard” is not in a true hippie’s vocabulary (on a side note, neither is “scrub thoroughly”) you decided to use our one competitive advantage – our resistance to mind-altering drugs – against the opponent. I really hope this isn’t true because I really like you and Henry but some signs have been popping up. Just for example, you CELEBRATED during hackey sack. COME ON MAN, YOU KNOW NO ONE DOES THAT!

Before I head over to the farmer’s market, I just want to let you know that we all love you and are still pushing for you to change for real. I sent over some glazed soybeans for you to enjoy so, uh… enjoy!

-Philip

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