Team Deathray – Letter 10

Dear Scott,

HOLY HEMP MOCCASINS!!! WE WON! WE ACTUALLY WON! It’s two days after our dominant win over the “Beer Dudes” and I’m stillmore excited than I was when Phish announced they’d be playing extra-long, extra-meandering solos on their upcoming tour. Sure, they put “Team Deathrye: League Champions” on our trophy, but I’m not ashamed to be named after the most lethal loaf of bread anyone has ever tried to put corned beef on. We put such a hurting on the “Beer Dudes” I literally thought they were going to die from embarrassment!

Scott, I really want to thank you for showing me how good winning a piece of plastic that’s painted gold can feel. I’d have to compare the feeling to dropping 4-5 hits of acid without all the visions of Joan of Arc murdering an infinite line of Oscar the Grouches. As much as I enjoyed that fuzzy-green genocide, winning keeps you elated and still allows you to enjoy normal, everyday pleasures – like recognizing things. Just today I arm wrestled my buddy Scrawny-Joe, beat my mother at a rousing game of Bloody Knuckles and WRECKED my grandpa in a two mile run! I’ve never been on such a high!

The Book of Kyle has taught me much, especially much about shunning. Since breezing through this easy 985 page read, I’ve been shunning dudes like you wouldn’t believe. I shunned my cousin Smiley for wanting to relax after a jog; YOU DON’T RELAX AFTER A JOG, YOU WORK ON YOUR PECS AND DELTOIDS! Through my study of the Book of Kyle, I’m going to become the most efficient, jacked hippie since, well, you.

Thanks again for being such an inspiration, Scott. It appears we’ve both learned something from each other, huh? I’m super-jazzed to have you as a brother-in-law. You can create religions for me whenever you want, okay buddy?

Licking Victory,
Phil

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