I’m writing to you right now from Mr. Harvey Keitel’s luxury hotel suite. More specifically, the hot tub of Mr. Harvey Keitel’s luxury hotel suite, so I apologize for any bubble-bath smudges on this letter. Mr. Keitel was kind enough to invite me and Eddie out for a night on the town to thank us for casting him in trucKING Royalty. Any idea who he’s playing? Go ahead, guess.
Did you guess yourself? GREAT GUESS YOU’RE THE SMARTEST DUDE! You see, I really liked him in Little Nicky (despite it’s status as a non-light-hearted-buddy-flick) and our producer, Mr. Feinberg, said he could “pull some strings” and make it happen. So he pulled said strings and here I am playing Halo 3 with Mark Wahlberg (playing Mr. Feinberg) and Robert Redford (playing my Dad) in hot tub filled with Perrier. Eddie just got his room service consisting of caviar covered bacon and a six-pack of Natty-Light. As you can tell, things are going pretty well.
Mr. Feinberg is apparently such a huge Burt Reynolds fan (he still thinks we’re Burt and Orlando) that he gave us a movie deal despite our script being all of 17 pages long. Apparently that’s about 17 minutes of filming. Eddie seems a bit worried about the length, but I know Mr. Scorsese (he’s directing, by the way) will fill in the rest with lots of dramatic monologues and gun fights. Marty says this will be the Citizen Kane of light-hearted buddy flicks, and I tend to believe him.
The only draw back of pretending to be Orlando Bloom is having to wear this Legolas costume all the time. People keep asking me to show off my archery skills, but I keep telling them I’ve got a wrist injury from punching an Uruk-hai. It’s flawless logic, I’m not worried about getting caught AT ALL.
We’ll send you tickets to the premier, you’re going to LOVE this movie!