The Open Road – Letter 13

Mr. Miller,

Shooting is going well on trucKING Royalty. As Danny mentioned to you in his last letter, we only have to do about 17 minutes of shooting — the rest will be filled with action sequences and dramatic monologues.

I should say that I only have to do about 17 minutes of shooting. Since everyone still believes me to be Burt Reynolds, they’ve told me that a man of my “caliber” doesn’t need to worry about drama or action. a Stunt Double will fill in for the latter, and the former isn’t a part of my character’s shtick.

Danny on the other hand (or, “Orlando Bloom” I should say) is thought of as a “young go-getter” on the Hollywood scene. And due to his inclusion in the Lord of the Rings films, everyone expects a lot from him. Danny’s been jumping off trucks and dodging explosions, while I kick back in my trailer enjoying a 6-pack of Natty Ice and the most elegant bacon you’ve ever indulged in.

There is, however, one problem. When we mentioned getting paid in wads of cash for the film, our producer just laughed and said “obviously your payment will be directly deposited into the bank accounts we have on file for you guys.”

I believe that this means that one morning the REAL Burt Reynolds and Orlando Bloom will wake up to having a huge paycheck deposited into their checking accounts, and Eddie and Danny right here will leave Hollywood just the same as they entered it.

Danny’s not too worried about this, since his father already gives him a steady supply of cash each week. But I don’t have any such luck. And as you recall, we sent my beautiful truck Barbara up the coast to Seattle with our payload — so there goes that paycheck.

I’m not too sure how to solve this problem, but I’ve been thinking about punching someone. Danny has a different plan: the last day of shooting is very soon, and he says that he plans on having us rip off our disguises and show everyone who is working on the film the real Danny and Eddie. He claims they’ll have no option but to respect us and make us the Hollywood stars we deserve to be given trucKING Royalty‘s brilliance in the light-hearted buddy-flick genre.

I don’t know if his plan is going to work yet, but by the next time we speak, the shit will have already hit the fan, for better or worse. I’m not too sure when shit hitting a fan is for the best, but I’m hoping that this will be the first time that analogy works in a positive manner.

Wish us luck, you old dog, you.

– Eddie

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