Political Party Animals – Letter 2

Ms. Markowitz,

Let me start by saying that your letter disgusted me. I actually threw up a little bit in my mouth after reading what your Working Families Party is all about. Healthcare for everyone? Secure retirement plans? Responsibility for one’s actions?

Please. Grow up.

This is AMERICA, Krystine. Not some kind of hippie-land where good will and currency sprout out of the ground as long as we let Mother Sun shine down on it. Understanding your outlook is a huckleberry above my persimmon, if I may say so myself.

Also, I’m NOT joking about my slogans “The Late 1800’s Were Right,” “Bring Back the Tycoons,” and “Upton Sinclair Was a Prick.” I vehemently believe that the late 19th century was a golden age for all.

It was an era when a man could dangle a monopoly just out of America’s reach, and reap in benefit after benefit. It was a time when men, women, and children were all equal — and all worked 3 shifts a day. Even though I was sadly not alive, it is definitely a time peroid more in-line with my personal beliefs.

As a child I remember reading The Jungle in school, and being APPALLED by the way it brought down those beautifully profitable industries. I thought to myself while reading it “GOOD. Get our little hands up in that machinery. That’s where us kids BELONG.” That attitude got me detention, but I never “learned [my] lesson.” I never turned around my “horrendously insensitive attitude.” No. In fact, I only pushed on FURTHER.

When I heard the name of your political party, I thought it was the right one for me. Now I know I was wrong. So, I’ll be starting my own political party called the Pennybags Party, named of course after the wonderfully tycoonish cartoon face of the board game Monopoly. We will fight for these simple readjustments to American society:

1. Banish all laws that stop the rich from getting richer.
2. Banish all laws that tell employers they HAVE to give employees days off, time between shifts, or pay.
3. Demand curly mustaches return into style for any and all making 7 figures or more a year.
4. Replace all eyeglasses with monocles, walkers with canes, and machines with overworked employees.
5. More crosshatching in political cartoons (which will all be PRO wealthy industrialist).

These are the 5 points the Pennybags Party will be fighting day and night for. Politically, we will work our way from the ground upward in order to gain a respectable following to fight your party in the next presidential election. This is why I have moved into a condominium in your neighborhood, Ms. Markowitz, and plan on running for PTA President in your school district under the Pennybags Party Marquee.

Get used to the smell of defeat wafting your way like an old coal chimney, smothering your home, and leaving soot on all your accomplishments.


– Rupert Hornsby

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