Political Party Animals – Letter 6

Ms. Markowitz,

Ok, so I’ve resulted to Plan B since you took the “high road” and alerted parents of my plan to try to get Dorland County’s children to willingly work in your wicker basket factories in hopes of raising a generation who share my life-long love for abolishing all labor laws and bringing back the 19th century industrialism.

Plan B is that I’ve been hanging out with teenagers.

Hear me out: everyone knows that children and teens alike are highly gullible (I’m not too sure about tweens. Not enough market research has been done in this area, save to determine that vampires are sexy). I will utilize this gullibility by presenting myself as Stryker PecsNabs: a cooler-than-cool teen who wandered into Dorland County and will be expressing his unique pro-industrialist ideals frequently and LOUDLY.

Who knows, maybe I’ll even throw in some vampire lore if anyone age 11-13 is nearby.

Having to shave my “Tycoon’s-Mustache” was heartbreaking; but I am hoping that “Stryker’s” views on how cool it is to work in factories and make the rich richer and the poor poorer will trickle down from seniors to kindergartners, creating a unstoppable fire inside the youth of this county. A fire that can never be put out, but only contained within the walls of a wicker basket factory.

But, unlike a REAL fire in a wicker basket factory, this will not produce horribly disastrous results. Children, tweens and teens will be happy. Parents will want to work alongside their children, thereby creating ADDITIONAL PROFITS. The wealthy industrialist who owns the wicker basket factory will invite me over for dinner (I’m assuming he or she is a wealthy industrialist. Otherwise I’ve no idea how they became owner of a factory). At dinner we will discuss my candidacy for presidency. They will be so moved by my obvious do-goodery that they will want to throw all of their silver dollars my way in support of my campaign.

I then will tell them that I should probably be in an elected office before running. They will use their power to overthrow you as PTA President of the Dorland County School District, and place me in the throne. This will make my bill for presidency stronger while proving to you that I can beat you in the political arena. Two birds with one wealthy stone.

Oh, and I read your threat of having “wrote the book” on the dirty politics game. Let’s see what you got, Ms. PTA-President-for-14-Years-Goody-Goody-Two-Shoes.

Stryker Out!

– Rupert Hornsby

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