Janet von Gams,
Well, this is just ridiculous.
Megan Williams was supposed to be on my side, and Brett McGregor was supposed to be on your side. We were supposed to be two feuding political ideologies attempting to brainwash the teenagers in Dorland County.
But clearly Megan and Brett were not fully grasping the magnitude of what we were telling them, because if they were they would hate each other the way you and I do and not have fallen in love. Now they are going to the prom TOGETHER and from what I’ve been hearing in the hallways they’re likely to win King and Queen.
Megan tells me that she kept eying Brett at all our rallies and that they hooked up one night at Steve’s party and now they’re a hot item. UGH!
Well, this is why I’m suggesting we fight fire with fire, Ms. Markowitz. Despite the fact that you make me want to throw up all over myself like some drunken teenager who found his parents’ liquor cabinet at a house party he threw while they were out of town, I think we’re going to have to go to the prom together.
We’re going to have to remind these kids that they have to listen to us because Stryker PecsNabs and Janet von Gams are the two coolest d00dz in the school…despite the fact that we’re really middle-aged and using pseudonyms.
But, this doesn’t mean I want you spewing your ideology. Your stupid, stupid ideology. But, in order to be able to say what I want to say and rile these kids into a life of hard work with little reward at a factory I one day wish to own, I’m going to have to compromise and let you give your dumb speech about how you should aim high and believe in yourself and all that bullshit.
So, it’s on. My only request is that you have to make sure you look smokin’ hot. None of that hippie garbage you usually wear. I’ll pick you up Thursday at 7 and we’ll get you a great prom dress. I know a place.
Get ready to win these kids back into the palms of our manipulative hands!
– Stryker PecsNabs