Political Party Animals – Letter 11

Rupert,

Needless to say, Prom night didn’t exactly work out the way we wanted it to. Sure, we got a little buzz going from the Apple Schnapps I slipped into my purse and the shrimp cocktail was spectacular, but any night that ends with you going to jail and me being stripped of my PTA presidency should definitely be labeled “bad”.

I suppose the evening took a turn for the worst when I saw Meghan and Brett together. She just looked so beautiful and I admit I was a bit jealous. While you sat there, nibbling on a piece of bread and editing your acceptance speech, I was tearing that bitch’s dress to shreds… with my mind.

Something snapped when I heard Marty Averman, the class president, announce Meghan and Brett as Prom King and Queen. How dare they! After all that work we put in pretending to be teenagers and handing out pamphlets and buying under-aged kids alcohol! How could we not be Prom King and Queen?

Anyway, that’s why I ran up on stage, punched Meghan in the stomach and started pulling her hair. I get why Brett pulled me off of her and pushed me away, but it was still very gentlemanly of you to punch Brett in the face in my defense. It was even more gentlemanly of you to fight off half of the hockey team while I grabbed the mic and began my speech.

I was going to let you have your turn when I was done, seriously, but as you know that’s when the Principal recognized me. How he noticed me through my ingenious disguise of some makeup and a prom dress is beyond me, but I was staring directly at the end of my PTA career right there.

If my memory serves me correctly, that’s when the cops showed up. I think they were a bit rough on you if you ask me, but you certainly didn’t buy yourself any favors when they came in and you were beating up a bunch of teenagers. Hopefully no one pressed charges.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you for a magical night. Despite all of your faults, Rupert, you really know how to treat a lady with respect and tenderness. This was almost the greatest prom a girl could ask for. If anything ever happens between me and my husband and you stop being so obsessed with abusing laborers, maybe there will be a future with us.

Thank you, Rupert Hornsby, for making me feel like a lady.

Sincerely,
Krystine Markowitz

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