The Providers – Letter 8

Bill,

Well, it nearly killed us, but we got the canaries from Pablo. Holy codfish, he did not want to give those up! But luckily, after an intense struggle, we were able to knock him out with a rag soaked in ether. He did mention murdering us in the future, which was a bit unsettling — especially because neither Dom or I had lunch yet. Getting news of our imminent death on an empty stomach just made the afternoon all the worse. If they’re out of Calamari Fritters at the pub, I may LOSE IT!

I’m just glad you’re helping us out from the past by doing all those small tasks that end up having such a profound impact on our future. If you never read Dom’s last letter and took care of what he asked you, I’d never have attempted the canary-theft. It’d be a suicide mission. But since you obviously did, now we can reap the benefits!

By now, you probably have the last few Farmer’s Almanacs necessary to set up your Fringclaxitor. If you haven’t yet, PLEASE DO! It’s crucial you have it set up in case anything goes wrong. I mean, it’s extremely doubtful something will, but better safe than sorry. Dom said the chances of him having to write asking you to activate the Fringclaxitor are around the same as you winning a few lotteries. Psssh.

Oh, that reminds me, I decided to give you a bit of a gift for helping us out. I looked up the info, and below are the winning lottery numbers in your area for tomorrow’s drawing. May as well get something out of the deal!

Ultra Millions
6, 24, 28, 38, 51
UltraBall: 38

StrongBall
12, 22, 41, 44, 57
StrongBall: 24

Rad Million
4, 8, 14, 22, 28, 36

Our next, and final task for you involves all those cans of tuna-fish, bricks of cheddar cheese, and fresh-baked rolls you stole: please make around 200 Tuna Melts and bring them to the nearest homeless shelter and feed everyone you see. This seemingly POINTLESS task will end up benefiting us, don’t worry. I’m not just asking you to help others in need for no good reason.

By feeding those particular homeless individuals, you will set forth a wave of goodwill that will cause Dom and I to be able to get our jobs at the Bran Factory back! They called us mad for our inventions, and said we’d never work in the Bran Industry again. But after you give tuna melts to some hobos, they’ll reconsider and allow us back in. Perfect and logical.

Then we can unleash the Stealthometer onto a public in dire need of its services! I mean, its how we know what past events have made crucial impacts on the future. It’s what’s enabling us to re-direct our misfortunes and stealthily get them back in the fast lane. Why they’d call us crazy I’ll never know.

Anyway, I’ll let you go make some tuna melts. Talk to you soon, past buddy!

– Greg

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s