The Providers – Letter 6

Bill,

Ok, so after extensive research, we have concluded that given your 2010 abundance of canaries, it would be best for us to acquire them through you.

Since we were laid off, we don’t currently have any money to buy canaries to run our cars on. So, we want you to create an area in the “Time Hiding Zone” that we will now call the “Suspended Animation Chamber.” I think the only method of Suspended Animation you’ve got is cryonics, so…freeze them really good or something.

Thanks in advance, man. This will help while we try to fight the powers that be to get our jobs back at the Bran Factory. See, there are no unemployment benefits in our time, only “reverse benefits.” This is a clever name for PUNISHMENT dished out if you don’t get a job fast enough. Dom and I are on level 3 right now. This means that each morning the government plays the audio track from every episode of the television show Joey into the cellular phone implants in our ears. We are not sure how much longer we can last. We are desperate men.

This is why it is so crucially important that if you don’t have a Fringclaxitor in your time, you “invent” one by buying all the Bran and Bran Products you can from every nearby local store, and storing them along with Farmers’ Almanacs in the “Time Hiding Zone.” This will allow Dom and I to have access to “True Bran.” This is the name given to Bran from before The Great Branning of 2087.

Once acquired, we hope to drive the True Bran up to Bran headquarters (once we get those canaries running our cars) and show that we will now be able to farm True Bran again thanks to our genius ways. Then we can be hired back to our old jobs and request that our old buddy Pablo come with us. Get the whole Bran Innovation Team back together!

It’s like I’ve been saying: if you’ve got 2 peacocks, bring ’em round the yard and teach ’em how to dance. The Bran Overloards are the peacocks, and we will teach them to dance the dance of re-employment!

Long story short: freeze some canaries and put them under the deli. Thx.

– Greg

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