Old Mates – Letter 3

Skinny Vinny,

It’s funny you should mention the Lon Ury Museum! They just added a wing dedicated to “Old Sleep’s” Major League hit. They have the boxscore from that day and everything. Really enthralling stuff!

I’m happy to hear you’ve accepted my most generous offer of allowing you to run my campaign. There’s no way to sugarcoat it – it’s going to be a grind – but with your hard work and long hours and my ability to turn an afternoon nap into a full night’s sleep, we’ll most certainly have Nancy Abrams shaking in her boots.

Yes, that Nancy Abrams.

That Nancy Abrams who beat you up in front of the entire lunch room for inviting her to the Freshman Formal. Boy, I’ve never seen a girl give a boy such a whooping. I’m sure you’ve long forgotten that life-altering humiliation though, and I’m positive you have no more lingering feelings of resentment or unrequited love.

Which brings me to your first assignment as my Campaign Manager: dig up as much dirt as you can on Abrams. Dirty money, family problems, relations to former Third World dictators – I want it all! At some point I’ll have to debate your former crush, and I’m going to need to lay into her real hard.

Also, if you can find some way to make it seem like I haven’t been married a bunch of times, that would be great. At the very least, figure out a way to spin that into a “Family First” message. Those are quite popular these days, apparently.

While you’re handling that, I’ll spend time thinking of catchy slogans. “This Lou’s for You”. “He Puts the ‘Lou’ in ‘Lousing (pronounced like “Losing”) Incumbent’” (may need to work on this one). Those alone took me three weeks so you see I have my work cut out for me.

Now, off to my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class. I’ll have my sensei take some promo photos we can use during the campaign! Get crackin’, Skin Vin!

-Lou

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