I have tried for years to block Nancy out of my mind. Nancy Abrams. The name pains me to think about. And although it’s been many moons since I have woken myself up shouting “NANCY,” or since I was the recipient of many scornful stares by screaming her name while my son was at bat in a little league game, it is still a daily struggle to forget.
Sometimes I hear her name as a train passes by, and I wonder which far away land the sound, clutched to the caboose like the lime cardigan she would wear, is heading off to.
But, that’s all in the past, like you said. Now, I must focus on CRUSHING HER, the way a broken heart crushes a man’s soul!
I made a few phone calls to some old colleagues at Kellogg as a start. They’ve got a great consumer insights group who had no interest in digging up dirt on someone. So, I tracked down a guy they fired in disgrace, and he has been more than happy to help. I figure since this is the world of politics, we should use code names, right? So let’s call him HoneySmack. I always loved that cereal!
So HoneySmack did some digging around and found out that Nancy Abrams was involved in a scandal…
In 1992, Nancy Abrams swindled the Kellogg corporation by mailing in upwards of TWELVE proof-of-purchases under fraudulent names to receive multiple Darkwing Duck fanny packs!
I’m sure you remember the Corn Flakes offer in the early 90s: mail in a proof of purchase, and get a free Darkwing Duck fanny pack (or “Hip-Pouch” as it was officially named). The fine print prohibited a single household from getting more than 2 fanny packs. Nancy “I’m too good for Skinny Vinny” Abrams mailed in proofs with names of family, friends, and even one as People Magazine’s 1992 sexiest man alive, Nick Nolte!
I hope she kept those fanny packs. She’s going to need a place to HOLD ALL OF HER REGRET because she is going down for this one! Lou Sampson for Mayor!
Send over all of those campaign slogans as they hit you. I’ve mailed a package your way of 100 origami birds with your name on the wings so you can start scattering them around town. A little guerrilla campaigning to get things started.
– Vincent “Skinny Vinny” McCarthy III
P.S. I told my wife the great news of being hired as your campaign manager and she was extremely unsupportive. You’ve always had a way with the ladies. Any good advice on how to make her a Lou-ette?