Old Mates – Letter 5


So, you’re going to have to send me more foldy birds. I completely forgot you were sending me a package and in my haste to see what arrived, I went a little nuts. You see, I kind of go into a weird package-opening fugue which usually results in completely destroying anything between me and the mystery present. I mean I doubt you’ve experienced this, considering how poor your parents were. Needless to say, my hedgehog has bedding for the next few months.

GREAT job digging up dirt on Nancy Abrams. Send HoneySmack my regards as well as a “Lou’s Lips Sink Ships” pin. This is exactly what I need to knock my opponent down a few pegs. According to the polls (I’ve been polling some random women at bars), I’m trailing Abrams by a fairly significant margin. I’m going to need a heck of a showing at the debate to pull this off.

Speaking of debates, IT’S ONLY 10 DAYS AWAY! I’ve been doing a whole lot of Bar-Campaigning and Sleeping and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu in preparation. I haven’t done much “policy-wise”, though. I figured when I get up behind that podium I’ll just do what I do best: talk at great length about myself and belittle the person in front of me. Any suggestions on when I should whip out our Masked-Waterfowl Secret Weapon?

Come to think of it, why don’t you come home for the debate? I’m sure you miss your old stomping ground and it’ll give you a chance to get away from your wife for a little while.


You certainly came to the right guy for wife-related problems, considering I have so much experience arguing with wives. In a situation like this, I’d just tell her that you choose your best friend over her, storm out of the room, and then wait for her to apologize. This method has worked at least once with each of my wives. She’ll be a Lou-ette in no time!

-Mayor Lou (That has a pretty nice ring to it, huh?)


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