Dear Mayor Lou,
I can think of no greater pleasure than heading back home to Fort Scott to be there on the front line when you battle with Nancy “I Smell” Abrams. Standing offstage while you dish out a slanderous attack would put a huge smile on my face. It should also help ease some of the pain of being beaten up by her all those years ago. I never understood how asking a girl to the Freshman Formal brings about that much disgust. When all’s said and done, I don’t care…I still think wearing nothing but a dozen roses romantic. It’s how I proposed to Tracy!
On another note, while HoneySmack appreciated the pin, he was very demanding in his expectation of payment in cash. I assume an invoice will be mailed soon, as he told me to “watch out” for something coming my way.
The good news is that he did dig up a little bit more dirt. Apparently when Nancy was a sophomore at Wichita State University, she violated page 23 of the Housing and Residency Life handbook which states that refrigerators may not exceed 4.9 cubic feet. According to a former roommate, Nancy had a fridge that was at least 5.2 cubic feet! Perhaps we can get her degree revoked!
I told my wife exactly what you said, and it did lead to a fight. I can see why you have so much experience in that field! She claims that I become an entirely different man whenever your name gets mentioned. She’s just never had a chance to see the real Lou in action. Do you have any videos of yourself performing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu that I can share with her? I imagine she would be so outstandingly impressed with your natural joie de vivre that she would book her own flight down in no time!
She did ultimately come around to the idea of me cancelling all current work projects and being there to support you for the debate…under one condition: I will be bringing my son Jake along with me. In the end, I think it will be a great opportunity for him to see a man on top of his game vanquish a foe.
During the debate, I say keep this Darkwing Duck thing close to the vest. When the moderator comes out with a question that you don’t know how to answer, or contains words you don’t understand, interrupt and let the audience know the shocking secret. If she fights back, hit her with the fridge comment. By then, she should be CRUMBLING WITH FEAR and I will be LAUGHING AT HER STUPID BEAUTIFUL FACE.
I booked my ticket back home. My son and I will be arriving shortly after you receive this letter. Let’s do this!
– Vincent “Skinny Vinny” McCarthy III