I’m afraid there must be some sort of mistake. I do not know anyone named “Ivan” or “The Shark”, nor do I recall writing an essay for any contests. Not since I tried winning a Dakota DC-3 model airplane from PilotMall .com of course, but that was 3 years ago, and I’ve long since constructed that gorgeous plane and displayed it next to the wedding photos of my children.
If I had to guess, I’d imagine someone submitted this essay in my name, and I’m 95% sure of their identity. My nephew Benny has been playing pranks on me since he was a pre-teen, and judging by how rude Ivan and the Shark appear to be, I could see Benny being quite a fan. One time, Benny stole my credit card and subscribed me to at least 3 dozen pornographic magazines. By the time I figured out how to cancel them all and who was behind it, I was up to my knees in “Glorious Gazungas” and “Roasted Rumps.” Another (admittedly less creative) time, Benny drained the brake fluid from my car. I keep insisting my brother get this child some help, but I’ve yet to be heard.
You seem like a nice person, Samantha. I don’t want to get you in trouble with your boss or Ivan or Mr. Shark so here is the response you’ve requested. I don’t expect it will get me into the next round – we can move on from this inconvenience and let someone else co-host this radio show.
“Listen up, you buffoons! I should be the co-host with Ivan and The Shark because I definitely do not give you any frigs whatsoever. I give so few of them that I used my credit card to purchase an ABSURD AMOUNT OF PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES, many of them containing BREASTS!
And don’t even get me started on politics! I DON’T LIKE discussing it with ACQUAINTANCES because it can be somewhat AWKWARD! Seriously please, let’s just move on from the politics discussion. What’s your favorite BOOK!?
In closing, I am very RUDE, so please select me as the co-host with Ivan and The Shark.”
-Mr. Craig Patterson