Jockey Up – Letter 4

Dear Samantha,

Perhaps I should have expected it, but my experience on Ivan and The Shark was not (to steal a line from your show intro) “The Morning Experience That Will Tickle Your Dick.” And yes, you did warn me about the possibility of pudding-based antics, but I certainly did not expect to be seated in the “Pudding Chamber” while I was being interviewed. Take it from me – it is quite difficult to discuss your P-47D Thunderbolt model with cold pudding splashing around in your trousers. I could barely focus on my preferred gluing methods and I fear I may have mislead some of your listeners.

I also took issue with how frequently they mispronounced my name. During my 15 minute presentation, Mr. Shark addressed me as both “Greg Farterson” and “Schmeg Splatterson.” Perhaps you need to speak with the show’s script writer and request they use a less ornate font.

Thank you for pulling me aside afterwards and providing me with a change of clothes. And I very much enjoyed your inquiries on other planes I didn’t have an opportunity to mention. It was very pleasant speaking with you, even while I wiped pudding from the various crevasses of my body.

With that said, I’m glad this experience is over and I can continue on with my life, as I know full-well I will not be moving on to the next round. Hopefully the pornographic magazines will stop appearing at my doorstep (apparently fans of the show have taken to sending me these, as well) now that I’m no longer a topic of discussion.

It was a pleasure meeting you, and hopefully our paths will cross again when I’m pudding-free.

-Craig Patterson

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