Jockey Up – Letter 3

Dear Mr. Craig Patterson,

While I am sorry to hear of the hardships and of the pornography that you have had to endure from your nephew Benny, I am pleased to announce that it has saved you from this round of eliminations!

When I read your letter to Ivan and The Shark, they laughed themselves to tears. They then asked to see the envelope you sent your letter in and subscribed the return address listed to many additional pornographic magazines. Please be on the lookout for the following circulars in your mailbox:

  • Knave
  • Razzle
  • Swank
  • Sharkboobs Quarterly (an Ivan and The Shark publication)

The next round of eliminations is an “in-person” round. Ivan and The Shark have invited you to spend 15 minutes on their show this upcoming Monday to explain in vivid detail the methods to success behind constructing model airplanes. Please feel free to bring some finished examples with you to the studio. Arrive at 6:30am and ask for me at reception.

I am looking forward to meeting you in person, Mr. Patterson. You also seem like a very nice gentleman, so I will warn you that your clothing may get stained with pudding during the broadcast. I will see you on Monday.

Ivan and The Shark also wanted to answer the question in your previous letter. Ivan’s favorite book is Doctor Zhivago and The Shark’s is Sharkboobs Quarterly.

Sincerely,

Samantha Robinson
Social Media Manager
Sharkbite Broadcasting, LLC

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Jockey Up – Letter 2

Dear Samantha,

I’m afraid there must be some sort of mistake. I do not know anyone named “Ivan” or “The Shark”, nor do I recall writing an essay for any contests. Not since I tried winning a Dakota DC-3 model airplane from PilotMall .com of course, but that was 3 years ago, and I’ve long since constructed that gorgeous plane and displayed it next to the wedding photos of my children.

If I had to guess, I’d imagine someone submitted this essay in my name, and I’m 95% sure of their identity. My nephew Benny has been playing pranks on me since he was a pre-teen, and judging by how rude Ivan and the Shark appear to be, I could see Benny being quite a fan. One time, Benny stole my credit card and subscribed me to at least 3 dozen pornographic magazines. By the time I figured out how to cancel them all and who was behind it, I was up to my knees in “Glorious Gazungas” and “Roasted Rumps.” Another (admittedly less creative) time, Benny drained the brake fluid from my car. I keep insisting my brother get this child some help, but I’ve yet to be heard.

You seem like a nice person, Samantha. I don’t want to get you in trouble with your boss or Ivan or Mr. Shark so here is the response you’ve requested. I don’t expect it will get me into the next round – we can move on from this inconvenience and let someone else co-host this radio show.

“Listen up, you buffoons! I should be the co-host with Ivan and The Shark because I definitely do not give you any frigs whatsoever. I give so few of them that I used my credit card to purchase an ABSURD AMOUNT OF PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES, many of them containing BREASTS!

And don’t even get me started on politics! I DON’T LIKE discussing it with ACQUAINTANCES because it can be somewhat AWKWARD! Seriously please, let’s just move on from the politics discussion. What’s your favorite BOOK!?

In closing, I am very RUDE, so please select me as the co-host with Ivan and The Shark.”

-Mr. Craig Patterson

Jockey Up – Letter 1

Dear Mr. Craig Patterson,

I am writing you today to inform you that you have been selected as a semi-finalist for Ivan and The Shark in the Morning’s DJ-For-A-Day contest! Your essay submission was one of thousands of entries, but one of only 10 chosen by staff here at 96.5 KSBB to head to the next round.

The official rules state that next, Ivan and The Shark will read each entry themselves and select a winner. However, in their typical “Lewd Crude Dude” fashion, Ivan and The Shark have decided to “shake things up.”

Therefore, you and the 10 semi-finalists will undergo a series of additional elimination rounds. The ultimate victor selected will sit in with Ivan and The Shark as a co-host for their popular morning show, and receive a cash prize of $10,000.

Assuming you would still like to participate, please reply back with your entry into the next challenge: a letter to Ivan and The Shark explaining the following (their exact words follow and I apologize for the language):

If you want to co-host with us for a day, PROVE IT! We need someone who isn’t afraid of telling it like it is: politics, boobs, farts…zero fucks must be given at all times. Don’t hold back, DICK!

Sincerely,

Samantha Robinson
Social Media Manager
Sharkbite Broadcasting, LLC

Old Mates – Letter 6

Dear Mayor Lou,

I can think of no greater pleasure than heading back home to Fort Scott to be there on the front line when you battle with Nancy “I Smell” Abrams. Standing offstage while you dish out a slanderous attack would put a huge smile on my face. It should also help ease some of the pain of being beaten up by her all those years ago. I never understood how asking a girl to the Freshman Formal brings about that much disgust. When all’s said and done, I don’t care…I still think wearing nothing but a dozen roses romantic. It’s how I proposed to Tracy!

On another note, while HoneySmack appreciated the pin, he was very demanding in his expectation of payment in cash. I assume an invoice will be mailed soon, as he told me to “watch out” for something coming my way.

The good news is that he did dig up a little bit more dirt. Apparently when Nancy was a sophomore at Wichita State University, she violated page 23 of the Housing and Residency Life handbook which states that refrigerators may not exceed 4.9 cubic feet. According to a former roommate, Nancy had a fridge that was at least 5.2 cubic feet! Perhaps we can get her degree revoked!

I told my wife exactly what you said, and it did lead to a fight. I can see why you have so much experience in that field! She claims that I become an entirely different man whenever your name gets mentioned. She’s just never had a chance to see the real Lou in action. Do you have any videos of yourself performing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu that I can share with her? I imagine she would be so outstandingly impressed with your natural joie de vivre that she would book her own flight down in no time!

She did ultimately come around to the idea of me cancelling all current work projects and being there to support you for the debate…under one condition: I will be bringing my son Jake along with me. In the end, I think it will be a great opportunity for him to see a man on top of his game vanquish a foe.

During the debate, I say keep this Darkwing Duck thing close to the vest. When the moderator comes out with a question that you don’t know how to answer, or contains words you don’t understand, interrupt and let the audience know the shocking secret. If she fights back, hit her with the fridge comment. By then, she should be CRUMBLING WITH FEAR and I will be LAUGHING AT HER STUPID BEAUTIFUL FACE.

I booked my ticket back home. My son and I will be arriving shortly after you receive this letter. Let’s do this!

– Vincent “Skinny Vinny” McCarthy III

Old Mates – Letter 5

Vinny,

So, you’re going to have to send me more foldy birds. I completely forgot you were sending me a package and in my haste to see what arrived, I went a little nuts. You see, I kind of go into a weird package-opening fugue which usually results in completely destroying anything between me and the mystery present. I mean I doubt you’ve experienced this, considering how poor your parents were. Needless to say, my hedgehog has bedding for the next few months.

GREAT job digging up dirt on Nancy Abrams. Send HoneySmack my regards as well as a “Lou’s Lips Sink Ships” pin. This is exactly what I need to knock my opponent down a few pegs. According to the polls (I’ve been polling some random women at bars), I’m trailing Abrams by a fairly significant margin. I’m going to need a heck of a showing at the debate to pull this off.

Speaking of debates, IT’S ONLY 10 DAYS AWAY! I’ve been doing a whole lot of Bar-Campaigning and Sleeping and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu in preparation. I haven’t done much “policy-wise”, though. I figured when I get up behind that podium I’ll just do what I do best: talk at great length about myself and belittle the person in front of me. Any suggestions on when I should whip out our Masked-Waterfowl Secret Weapon?

Come to think of it, why don’t you come home for the debate? I’m sure you miss your old stomping ground and it’ll give you a chance to get away from your wife for a little while.

OH RIGHT, THAT REMINDS ME! THE WIFE THING!

You certainly came to the right guy for wife-related problems, considering I have so much experience arguing with wives. In a situation like this, I’d just tell her that you choose your best friend over her, storm out of the room, and then wait for her to apologize. This method has worked at least once with each of my wives. She’ll be a Lou-ette in no time!

-Mayor Lou (That has a pretty nice ring to it, huh?)

 

Old Mates – Letter 4

Mayor Lou,

I have tried for years to block Nancy out of my mind. Nancy Abrams. The name pains me to think about. And although it’s been many moons since I have woken myself up shouting “NANCY,” or since I was the recipient of many scornful stares by screaming her name while my son was at bat in a little league game, it is still a daily struggle to forget.

Sometimes I hear her name as a train passes by, and I wonder which far away land the sound, clutched to the caboose like the lime cardigan she would wear, is heading off to.

But, that’s all in the past, like you said. Now, I must focus on CRUSHING HER, the way a broken heart crushes a man’s soul!

I made a few phone calls to some old colleagues at Kellogg as a start. They’ve got a great consumer insights group who had no interest in digging up dirt on someone. So, I tracked down a guy they fired in disgrace, and he has been more than happy to help. I figure since this is the world of politics, we should use code names, right? So let’s call him HoneySmack. I always loved that cereal!

So HoneySmack did some digging around and found out that Nancy Abrams was involved in a scandal…

In 1992, Nancy Abrams swindled the Kellogg corporation by mailing in upwards of TWELVE proof-of-purchases under fraudulent names to receive multiple Darkwing Duck fanny packs!

I’m sure you remember the Corn Flakes offer in the early 90s: mail in a proof of purchase, and get a free Darkwing Duck fanny pack (or “Hip-Pouch” as it was officially named). The fine print prohibited a single household from getting more than 2 fanny packs. Nancy “I’m too good for Skinny Vinny” Abrams mailed in proofs with names of family, friends, and even one as People Magazine’s 1992 sexiest man alive, Nick Nolte!

I hope she kept those fanny packs. She’s going to need a place to HOLD ALL OF HER REGRET because she is going down for this one! Lou Sampson for Mayor!

Send over all of those campaign slogans as they hit you. I’ve mailed a package your way of 100 origami birds with your name on the wings so you can start scattering them around town. A little guerrilla campaigning to get things started.

– Vincent “Skinny Vinny” McCarthy III

P.S. I told my wife the great news of being hired as your campaign manager and she was extremely unsupportive. You’ve always had a way with the ladies. Any good advice on how to make her a Lou-ette?

Old Mates – Letter 3

Skinny Vinny,

It’s funny you should mention the Lon Ury Museum! They just added a wing dedicated to “Old Sleep’s” Major League hit. They have the boxscore from that day and everything. Really enthralling stuff!

I’m happy to hear you’ve accepted my most generous offer of allowing you to run my campaign. There’s no way to sugarcoat it – it’s going to be a grind – but with your hard work and long hours and my ability to turn an afternoon nap into a full night’s sleep, we’ll most certainly have Nancy Abrams shaking in her boots.

Yes, that Nancy Abrams.

That Nancy Abrams who beat you up in front of the entire lunch room for inviting her to the Freshman Formal. Boy, I’ve never seen a girl give a boy such a whooping. I’m sure you’ve long forgotten that life-altering humiliation though, and I’m positive you have no more lingering feelings of resentment or unrequited love.

Which brings me to your first assignment as my Campaign Manager: dig up as much dirt as you can on Abrams. Dirty money, family problems, relations to former Third World dictators – I want it all! At some point I’ll have to debate your former crush, and I’m going to need to lay into her real hard.

Also, if you can find some way to make it seem like I haven’t been married a bunch of times, that would be great. At the very least, figure out a way to spin that into a “Family First” message. Those are quite popular these days, apparently.

While you’re handling that, I’ll spend time thinking of catchy slogans. “This Lou’s for You”. “He Puts the ‘Lou’ in ‘Lousing (pronounced like “Losing”) Incumbent’” (may need to work on this one). Those alone took me three weeks so you see I have my work cut out for me.

Now, off to my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class. I’ll have my sensei take some promo photos we can use during the campaign! Get crackin’, Skin Vin!

-Lou