Eat My Dust – Letter 6

Dear Mr. Bridgewater,

In reference to the above mentioned complaints, we have investigated your claims and we are passing on our findings as per your request.
13 Days ago your office contacted our department complaining of receiving dozens of disturbing letters from one, Harold Callahan aka. “Silly Sammy Saunders” aka. “Bertrand ‘Godhead’ Russell’ aka. “Valerio de los Olivo” aka “The Devanagari.”

Please note, that many of those restraining orders are several years old and none of Mr. Callahan’s known associates still reside in the Londonderry area or have a similarly long list of aliases, which my men frankly find demeaning to run down.  As a result of being forced to ask friends and neighbors about the whereabouts of men named “Snoophy” and “Professor Lightningbug” morale suffered more than even during the series of “Candyshop Murders” our precinct was investigating in 1998.

An investigation of Mr. Callahan’s last known address revealed an apartment that looked to have been abandoned for some time. Below is an itemized list of our findings:
– 6 Bottles of Ketchup (Unopened)
– 5 Bottles of Mustard (Opened)
– 17 lbs of stuffing presumably from 1 or more plush toy(s) laid out on the kitchen floor
– 1 copy of a manuscript titled Rice Price in A Case of Twice the Lice! With red markings crossed throughout and the word “No!” repeatedly written on the pages therein
– 4 copies of a manuscript titled Scotty the Dogcatcher in Feline the Pinch!
– 8 copies of a manuscript titled Randomhouse in Precise Order: The Max Breyer Story
– 412 copies of a manuscript Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION! With the blurb “’The most head-slammingly brilliant book I’ve ever read (and I’ve read a few!)’ – Elliot Bridgewater” written in red ink on the front cover
– 4 threatening collection letter’s from UPS/Kinko’s dated 6 months ago, 5 months ago, 4 months ago and last month with an outstanding balance of $19,462.55.

We have concluded that Mr. Callahan has left town and should be no further bother to you.  We have forwarded the remaining manuscripts to your office and given the tremendous resources we have already devoted to this case consider the matter closed.

Very Sincerely,
Lieutenant Gerald McGerr,
Londonderry Police Department, Domestic Unit

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Eat My Dust – Letter 5

The Obscenely Talented Elliott Bridgewater,

The Londonderry police do not have to become involved if we proceed in a fashion best befitting the situation. Namely, a publishing contract.

I am not exactly the type to just move right along onto another dream – as my many, MANY letters to you would have you know. I need to become a published and well-respected children’s book author. This is why you may have noticed your favorite stuffed animal missing from your bedside: the plush toy of Hognelius from your story A Hog for All Seasons. He is with me.

Do not worry, I have not harmed the stuffed animal. However, for each slip-up you make, you will receive a de-stitched “limb” of Hognelius’s in the mail.

In your previous letter, you proposed your theory that just because Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, and Hitler were all bad children’s book authors (as you say I am), I must be as insane as them. Well, I must say you are very far from correct about this.

I have a unending fascination with becoming published because I know I can change the world for the better. I know my books (which are NOT ripoffs, thank you very much) can better the minds of children and adults alike. I know I am a beacon of genius shining down on the ripening flowers of the world. And these flowers, which represent you all, will be brought into the blinding light of my shining words and blossom — further advancing our species and allowing us all to be delivered into the eternal light of The Sombrero Galaxy.

If you want items to stop flying through your closed windows, mysterious vans to quit driving around your neighborhood, and items to cease being stolen from your house, I urge, nay, I beg you to publish my wonderful book, Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION!

Or, at the very least, give me some ideas you’d like to see made into a children’s book, and I will eloquently whip one up for you.

If you and your family are terrified now, please do what’s best for everyone and listen to my above demands. Then this does not have to go any further than it already has.

Regards,

– Harold Callahan (Pen Name “Silly Sammy Saunders”)

Eat My Dust – Letter 4

Dear Mr. Callahan,

As a person with the amount of fame and fortune as I do, I feel it necessary to assume that your statement, “If you do not accept this copy for publication, I will be forced to take more drastic measures,” is a threat to the lively-hood of myself and my family. To that same effect, the dead crow that came crashing through my dining room window 2 days ago is being considered a threat to my life by the Londonderry police. We are all under the assumption that it is from you because of the word “GOVERNMENT” written in white Sharpee on the bird’s back.

I thought I had made it fantastically clear that you will never, EVER become a published children’s author, ESPECIALLY by Bridgewater Publishing. You just do not have what we in the biz like to call “It.” And by “It,” I mean a shred of talent. Oeihawh 9 in your book Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION! is a 95% plagiarism of Lewis Carol’s Alice in Wonderland. For example, all you did was change the first letter of the characters in Wonderland to create their Oeihawh 9 counterparts: The Larch Hare, Pheshire Cat, Aueen of Hearts, etc. How would ANYBODY go about pronouncing Aueen let alone your supposed target “5 ¼ – 7 7/12” age range?

If I were you, Mr. Callahan, I would quit the childrens’ book business immediately and seek some professional help. Do you know what Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, and Hitler all had in common? They were all terrible childrens’ book authors. Look at the path you’re taking, Harold. Is this really what you want to be? That’s what I thought.

I urge, nay, I beg you to check yourself into a mental hospital. It will work out so much better for you, me, and my terrified family. Thank you for understanding.

Sincerely,
The Obscenely Talented Elliott Bridgewater

Eat My Dust – Letter 3

To The Very Talented Mr. Elliott Bridgewater,

How I got your home address is none of your concern. You can rest assured that I did it utilizing as few illegal resources as possible.

In your letter, you discuss the previous times I wrote to you with book ideas. The 242 times I wrote about Patrick Porcupine and the Parsnip Predicament may have been a bit overbearing. And I apologize. But ONLY because reading that work now makes me realize it was the work of a much younger man. The 429 times I wrote you concerning Farmer Fred Fasts for Framadan were because I believed this book to be unique and enlightening. I created a holiday to show how anyone, even Farmer Fred — an old racist — can get into the spirit of embracing the new.

Perhaps that was a bit heavy-handed. Although I still think of it as “A Green Eggs and Ham for the New Generation,” as I stated in at least 300 of those letters.

I got the hint from your response that you were not a big fan of Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION! I have included another draft copy of this brilliant book in case you were accidentally sent a copy with its pages ripped out or something. It’s the only reason I could fathom for you not loving it.

I mean, it’s the story of Darryl Delamater, a little boy who accompanies his single-father to a neighbor’s house to ask for a cup of sugar. Darryl finds a dust bunny named Dibby who is SO ALIVE that the children reading can even feel him (this is why I put real dust bunnies I found in my house into the book). Dibby takes Darryl to a wonderful land of make-believe called Oeihawh 9, hence the Day of Digression!

And as for the thought that I only understand alliteration as a literary device, I point you towards the subtle genius of the character “Government Bird.” The only word he can squawk is “justice.” Government Bird tries to help Dibby show Darryl more about Oeihawh 9, but more often than not ends up taking them down messy and confusing roads that bring them right back to where they were before.

JUST LIKE JUSTICE IN THE GOVERNMENT.

In closing I really believe that you’ll enjoy this copy of my manuscript which I have attached, ensuring that no pages are missing. I also have attached a signed sketch of what I assume will be your new favorite character, Government Bird.

Regards,

– Harold Callahan (Pen Name “Silly Sammy Saunders”)
Government Bird
PS. If you do not accept this copy for publication, I will be forced to take more drastic measures.

Eat My Dust – Letter 2

Mr. Callahan,

I don’t know how exactly you found my home address, but the answer is still a startlingly loud “NO!” It was “no” the 242 times you wrote me about “Patrick Porcupine and the Parsnip Predicament,” and the 429 times you wrote about “Farmer Fred Fasts for Framadan.” Really? Framadan? That’s Gregorius Nekschot territory right there. Look it up.

Your incessant pestering has become quite a nuisance as well as a huge waste of time to our mail room. There is no reason to send a copy of each letter to each employee of the company. The janitors have no say in who gets published and who does not. It only takes one person to tell you your writing sucks, and that person is me.

Your writing sucks.

Why? Maybe its your tragic misunderstanding of the world’s religions. Maybe its your belief that the only literary device that exists is alliteration. Maybe its because we ran a background check on you and noticed multiple restraining orders. I’m thinking though, that its probably a mixture of all of those aspects.

We here at Bridgewater Publishing Company strive for excellence in our childrens’ literature. Your writing is PARSECS away from excellent. Not only was Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION! the most head-slammingly boring book I’ve ever read (and I’ve read a few, as a matter of fact) but Dibby the Dust Bunny was portrayed by actual dust bunnies that you presumably found around the house. That sir, is disgusting.

In closing, thank you for your interest in Bridgewater Publishing Company and PLEASE STOP WRITING LETTERS TO US.

Sincerely,
The Very Talented Mr. Elliott Bridgewater

Eat My Dust – Letter 1

To the Talented Mr. Elliott Bridgewater,

I recently came across an article you wrote on your publishers website titled “The Quest for Award Winning Children’s Literature.” I would like you to know that by receiving this letter and (more so) its attachment, your quest has ENDED.

In your article you state that “The subtle nuances present in such timeless masterpieces like Ezra Jack Keats’s The Snowy Day, James Thurber’s Many Moons, or, of course, Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree, are notably absent from modern day children’s books — which seem to focus instead on delivering a squeaky-clean morality without any poetic undertaking whatsoever.”

Not only do I agree with you, but I agree with you AND have attached a copy of my manuscript: Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION!.

I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but this is the best melding of poetry and art that the world of children’s literature has ever seen. Read it, take it in, love it, write back explaining how I have a book deal, and simply wait for the famed Caldecott Medal to be awarded to me for most distinguished American picture book for children.

Please respond soon and let me know what you thought of the book.

Regards,

– Harold Callahan (Pen Name “Silly Sammy Saunders”)