Jockey Up – Letter 3

Dear Mr. Craig Patterson,

While I am sorry to hear of the hardships and of the pornography that you have had to endure from your nephew Benny, I am pleased to announce that it has saved you from this round of eliminations!

When I read your letter to Ivan and The Shark, they laughed themselves to tears. They then asked to see the envelope you sent your letter in and subscribed the return address listed to many additional pornographic magazines. Please be on the lookout for the following circulars in your mailbox:

  • Knave
  • Razzle
  • Swank
  • Sharkboobs Quarterly (an Ivan and The Shark publication)

The next round of eliminations is an “in-person” round. Ivan and The Shark have invited you to spend 15 minutes on their show this upcoming Monday to explain in vivid detail the methods to success behind constructing model airplanes. Please feel free to bring some finished examples with you to the studio. Arrive at 6:30am and ask for me at reception.

I am looking forward to meeting you in person, Mr. Patterson. You also seem like a very nice gentleman, so I will warn you that your clothing may get stained with pudding during the broadcast. I will see you on Monday.

Ivan and The Shark also wanted to answer the question in your previous letter. Ivan’s favorite book is Doctor Zhivago and The Shark’s is Sharkboobs Quarterly.


Samantha Robinson
Social Media Manager
Sharkbite Broadcasting, LLC

Jockey Up – Letter 2

Dear Samantha,

I’m afraid there must be some sort of mistake. I do not know anyone named “Ivan” or “The Shark”, nor do I recall writing an essay for any contests. Not since I tried winning a Dakota DC-3 model airplane from PilotMall .com of course, but that was 3 years ago, and I’ve long since constructed that gorgeous plane and displayed it next to the wedding photos of my children.

If I had to guess, I’d imagine someone submitted this essay in my name, and I’m 95% sure of their identity. My nephew Benny has been playing pranks on me since he was a pre-teen, and judging by how rude Ivan and the Shark appear to be, I could see Benny being quite a fan. One time, Benny stole my credit card and subscribed me to at least 3 dozen pornographic magazines. By the time I figured out how to cancel them all and who was behind it, I was up to my knees in “Glorious Gazungas” and “Roasted Rumps.” Another (admittedly less creative) time, Benny drained the brake fluid from my car. I keep insisting my brother get this child some help, but I’ve yet to be heard.

You seem like a nice person, Samantha. I don’t want to get you in trouble with your boss or Ivan or Mr. Shark so here is the response you’ve requested. I don’t expect it will get me into the next round – we can move on from this inconvenience and let someone else co-host this radio show.

“Listen up, you buffoons! I should be the co-host with Ivan and The Shark because I definitely do not give you any frigs whatsoever. I give so few of them that I used my credit card to purchase an ABSURD AMOUNT OF PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES, many of them containing BREASTS!

And don’t even get me started on politics! I DON’T LIKE discussing it with ACQUAINTANCES because it can be somewhat AWKWARD! Seriously please, let’s just move on from the politics discussion. What’s your favorite BOOK!?

In closing, I am very RUDE, so please select me as the co-host with Ivan and The Shark.”

-Mr. Craig Patterson

Jockey Up – Letter 1

Dear Mr. Craig Patterson,

I am writing you today to inform you that you have been selected as a semi-finalist for Ivan and The Shark in the Morning’s DJ-For-A-Day contest! Your essay submission was one of thousands of entries, but one of only 10 chosen by staff here at 96.5 KSBB to head to the next round.

The official rules state that next, Ivan and The Shark will read each entry themselves and select a winner. However, in their typical “Lewd Crude Dude” fashion, Ivan and The Shark have decided to “shake things up.”

Therefore, you and the 10 semi-finalists will undergo a series of additional elimination rounds. The ultimate victor selected will sit in with Ivan and The Shark as a co-host for their popular morning show, and receive a cash prize of $10,000.

Assuming you would still like to participate, please reply back with your entry into the next challenge: a letter to Ivan and The Shark explaining the following (their exact words follow and I apologize for the language):

If you want to co-host with us for a day, PROVE IT! We need someone who isn’t afraid of telling it like it is: politics, boobs, farts…zero fucks must be given at all times. Don’t hold back, DICK!


Samantha Robinson
Social Media Manager
Sharkbite Broadcasting, LLC