Political Party Animals – Letter 11

Rupert,

Needless to say, Prom night didn’t exactly work out the way we wanted it to. Sure, we got a little buzz going from the Apple Schnapps I slipped into my purse and the shrimp cocktail was spectacular, but any night that ends with you going to jail and me being stripped of my PTA presidency should definitely be labeled “bad”.

I suppose the evening took a turn for the worst when I saw Meghan and Brett together. She just looked so beautiful and I admit I was a bit jealous. While you sat there, nibbling on a piece of bread and editing your acceptance speech, I was tearing that bitch’s dress to shreds… with my mind.

Something snapped when I heard Marty Averman, the class president, announce Meghan and Brett as Prom King and Queen. How dare they! After all that work we put in pretending to be teenagers and handing out pamphlets and buying under-aged kids alcohol! How could we not be Prom King and Queen?

Anyway, that’s why I ran up on stage, punched Meghan in the stomach and started pulling her hair. I get why Brett pulled me off of her and pushed me away, but it was still very gentlemanly of you to punch Brett in the face in my defense. It was even more gentlemanly of you to fight off half of the hockey team while I grabbed the mic and began my speech.

I was going to let you have your turn when I was done, seriously, but as you know that’s when the Principal recognized me. How he noticed me through my ingenious disguise of some makeup and a prom dress is beyond me, but I was staring directly at the end of my PTA career right there.

If my memory serves me correctly, that’s when the cops showed up. I think they were a bit rough on you if you ask me, but you certainly didn’t buy yourself any favors when they came in and you were beating up a bunch of teenagers. Hopefully no one pressed charges.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you for a magical night. Despite all of your faults, Rupert, you really know how to treat a lady with respect and tenderness. This was almost the greatest prom a girl could ask for. If anything ever happens between me and my husband and you stop being so obsessed with abusing laborers, maybe there will be a future with us.

Thank you, Rupert Hornsby, for making me feel like a lady.

Sincerely,
Krystine Markowitz

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Political Party Animals – Letter 10

Janet von Gams,

Well, this is just ridiculous.

Megan Williams was supposed to be on my side, and Brett McGregor was supposed to be on your side. We were supposed to be two feuding political ideologies attempting to brainwash the teenagers in Dorland County.

But clearly Megan and Brett were not fully grasping the magnitude of what we were telling them, because if they were they would hate each other the way you and I do and not have fallen in love. Now they are going to the prom TOGETHER and from what I’ve been hearing in the hallways they’re likely to win King and Queen.

Megan tells me that she kept eying Brett at all our rallies and that they hooked up one night at Steve’s party and now they’re a hot item. UGH!

Well, this is why I’m suggesting we fight fire with fire, Ms. Markowitz. Despite the fact that you make me want to throw up all over myself like some drunken teenager who found his parents’ liquor cabinet at a house party he threw while they were out of town, I think we’re going to have to go to the prom together.

We’re going to have to remind these kids that they have to listen to us because Stryker PecsNabs and Janet von Gams are the two coolest d00dz in the school…despite the fact that we’re really middle-aged and using pseudonyms.

But, this doesn’t mean I want you spewing your ideology. Your stupid, stupid ideology. But, in order to be able to say what I want to say and rile these kids into a life of hard work with little reward at a factory I one day wish to own, I’m going to have to compromise and let you give your dumb speech about how you should aim high and believe in yourself and all that bullshit.

So, it’s on. My only request is that you have to make sure you look smokin’ hot. None of that hippie garbage you usually wear. I’ll pick you up Thursday at 7 and we’ll get you a great prom dress. I know a place.

Get ready to win these kids back into the palms of our manipulative hands!

– Stryker PecsNabs

Political Party Animals – Letter 9

Mr. Hornsby,

Don’t flatter yourself into thinking that I would even CONSIDER going to prom with you. You’re cruel, vain, and pig-headed. Not to mention your political ideals make we want to BARF! Anyway, I already have a date to prom: Brett McGregor. He’s captain of the hockey team, he blindly listens to everything I tell him about Liberal politics and his Dad lets him drive his Mustang. All I had to do was promise to buy him cigarettes for the next 2 months. A couple packs of cigarettes for the opportunity to have every student respect me and listen to my views on politics? That’s well worth it, don’t you think?

I wouldn’t worry too much about being voted prom king, Brett and I have been hard at work promoting our bid to become prom king and queen. The Working Families flyers I’ve been handing out have a little note on the bottom encouraging the student body to not only place their vote for the Working Families (when they’re old enough), but to place their vote for Janet and Brett.

Once we win, I will give my awe-inspiring speech thanking the students for their support and encouraging them to continue their education and achieve their full potential while remaining loyal to their working class roots. I’ll then hand the mic to Brett and he’ll yell “Go Ice Dawgs!” The audience will be so moved that they may go out and register Working Families right then, which is good because the PTA set up a voter-registration booth in the foyer. Your plan will be quashed and you can go back to… whatever you were doing before you had this ridiculous idea of running for president.

See you at prom. ;-)

-Ms. Janet von Gams

Political Party Animals – Letter 8

Ms. Markowitz (aka Janet von Gams),

Listen, your super-senior High-School secret identity is ridiculous. Totally not as “rockin” as mine: Stryker PecsNabs. SO much cooler! Both on paper and in the hallways (where it truly counts!). This is why I was disturbed yesterday when “Stryker” was in English class and Megan Williams passed me the note I’ve transcribed below:

MEGAN
sup hottie ;) LOL

STRYKER
Profits, babe. Profits are up.

MEGAN
LOL. ??

STRYKER
I’m just sayin that businesses are cool.

MEGAN
LOL y? dads run those.

STRYKER
That’s a misconception. They’re run by successful tycoons who are SEXY and may or may not be vampiric.

MEGAN
Twilight is soooooo lame LOL

STRYKER
Most tycoons are not vampiric and they also find it lame. You have a lot in common with them. You should think about hanging out with a few prominent industrialists. Really absorb all of their beliefs. Speaking of absorbtion, did you read that copy of Atlas Shrugged I let you borrow?

MEGAN
dat book is sooooooo long LOL u srsly read it?

STRYKER
Every word. It really helps you sort out your life by showing you that society needs wealthy holier-than-thou business owners. Some, such as myself, are destined to be just that. Others should spend their lives wanting nothing more than to work in factories without unionized labor or labor laws. And all who reject this belief are just infected with the Red Plague

MEGAN
LOL ?? red plague??lol

STRYKER
Red is the color of hate (and Commies). The Red Plague describes those individuals who try to live out of their means. Out of the means of neo-tycoonism. We should call out these people publicly and exile them to a land far far away. Don’t you agree?

MEGAN
wuteva LOL u goin 2 prom wit som1??

STRYKER
I’m a lonely and therefore cool drifter, babe. I can not make any strong commitments one way or the other which is why my sex appeal skyrockets like my stocks. The only thing I can commit to is that once school is over, I am DEFINITELY going to spend my life working in a factory. Isn’t that just the coolest? Isn’t that SO much cooler than college? Obviously the answer is yes. STRYKER OUT!

MEGAN
LOL christine said u r goin wit dat new chick janet

STRYKER
Janet is a whore. Also, she told Brian Lee the other day that Labor Unions help the working man and that the dream of Universal Health Care must be made into an American reality. Whatever you do, don’t listen to her slutty lies.

MEGAN
u 2 r so much alike LOL. U alwyz tlk bout dat stuff.

STRYKER
We are NOTHING alike! I am cool and she is just some stupid jerkface!

MEGAN
sounds lik u lik her LOL ;)

STRYKER
I do NOT like her. I enjoy snowy mornings, hot cocoa, and a wealthy tycoon lifestyle. I hate those infected by The Red Plague, such as Janet.

MEGAN
LOL watevs. u kno there votin u 2 prom king n queen tho rite? LOL

At this point the bell rang and I had to get to biology class since Mr. Vanguard told me if I was late once more I’d have to stay after school. But WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT?!? Did “Janet” tell Christine that she likes “Stryker” and wants to take him to prom?!? If so, Stryker is DEFINITELY not interested.

But regardless of his/my lack of interest in bringing you to the prom, once we started posing as older-yet-still-senior high school students, these kids started falling in love with us. Now they apparently want us to be together. Makes sense, we’re the two coolest “kids” in the school now. But I am SO not going to the prom with you. The prom is my chance to be voted King so that I can deliver a speech so inspiring that all the high school students will quit right then and there and embrace a poverty-stricken late-1800s lifestyle.

And I’m certainly not going to let you ruin that moment by giving some terrible speech about your asinine beliefs. So stop spreading rumors!

I should go and finish this Spanish homework. God, who would have thought being middle-aged and going back to High School under the guise that you’re a cool teenager would be this much WORK?

Stryker Out!

– Rupert Hornsby

Political Party Animals – Letter 6

Ms. Markowitz,

Ok, so I’ve resulted to Plan B since you took the “high road” and alerted parents of my plan to try to get Dorland County’s children to willingly work in your wicker basket factories in hopes of raising a generation who share my life-long love for abolishing all labor laws and bringing back the 19th century industrialism.

Plan B is that I’ve been hanging out with teenagers.

Hear me out: everyone knows that children and teens alike are highly gullible (I’m not too sure about tweens. Not enough market research has been done in this area, save to determine that vampires are sexy). I will utilize this gullibility by presenting myself as Stryker PecsNabs: a cooler-than-cool teen who wandered into Dorland County and will be expressing his unique pro-industrialist ideals frequently and LOUDLY.

Who knows, maybe I’ll even throw in some vampire lore if anyone age 11-13 is nearby.

Having to shave my “Tycoon’s-Mustache” was heartbreaking; but I am hoping that “Stryker’s” views on how cool it is to work in factories and make the rich richer and the poor poorer will trickle down from seniors to kindergartners, creating a unstoppable fire inside the youth of this county. A fire that can never be put out, but only contained within the walls of a wicker basket factory.

But, unlike a REAL fire in a wicker basket factory, this will not produce horribly disastrous results. Children, tweens and teens will be happy. Parents will want to work alongside their children, thereby creating ADDITIONAL PROFITS. The wealthy industrialist who owns the wicker basket factory will invite me over for dinner (I’m assuming he or she is a wealthy industrialist. Otherwise I’ve no idea how they became owner of a factory). At dinner we will discuss my candidacy for presidency. They will be so moved by my obvious do-goodery that they will want to throw all of their silver dollars my way in support of my campaign.

I then will tell them that I should probably be in an elected office before running. They will use their power to overthrow you as PTA President of the Dorland County School District, and place me in the throne. This will make my bill for presidency stronger while proving to you that I can beat you in the political arena. Two birds with one wealthy stone.

Oh, and I read your threat of having “wrote the book” on the dirty politics game. Let’s see what you got, Ms. PTA-President-for-14-Years-Goody-Goody-Two-Shoes.

Stryker Out!

– Rupert Hornsby

Political Party Animals – Letter 5

Mr. Hornsby,

Your attempt at manipulating the youth of Dorland County is absolutely deplorable, but what should I expect from a man who thinks that adding “yo” at the end of a sentence will make him more suitable for the presidency of the PTA. I received the polls you had sent out throughout the school district and they are, although quite clever, one of the most clear-cut examples of ugly politics that I have ever experienced.

Although I have faith in my constituency to not fall for your dastardly attempt to confuse them, I have taken the precaution to write a letter home to all of the families of Dorland County. The letter explains how your poll was meant to not only smear my administration but to put a positive spin on child labor in Dorland’s wicker basket factories. I’ve attached a copy of this letter to show you that you have chosen the wrong person to play dirty politics with.

Dear Parents

It has come to my attention that an opinion poll has recently been distributed throughout the elementary schools of the Dorland County School District. I would like to advise you that these surveys are in no way connected with the DCSD PTA but have in fact been distributed by a man looking to exploit your children’s naivety. Below are a few examples of the questions of the surveys:

  • If given the option, would you rather stay in boring old school or work in a factory where all the cool, older people work?
    A. Stay in boring school because I’m a loser.        B. WORK IN A FACTORY! School is for nerds
  • Wouldn’t you like to go on more field trips to the Dorland Wicker Basket factory or Disney Land?
    A. Yes, I love field trips.        B. Yes, I love Disney Land.        C. No,  I have cooties
  • Did you know that HITLER went to school, too?
    A. Oh no, I don’t want to end up like Hitler.        B. Oh no, I wish I could stop going to school right now!

These are just a handful of questions from the disturbing survey. Please do not be alarmed when your child asks you if they can quit school and go work in our town’s factories. This is exactly what this horrible man is trying to instill in our children. We here at the DCSD PTA are working as hard as we can to prevent this man from causing anymore distress to the psyches of our children.

Sincerely,
Krystine Markowitz

Your attempts to confuse and control our children will not be tolerated. But if you want to play, Mr. Hornsby, be forewarned that I wrote the book on this game.

-Krystine Markowitz

Political Party Animals – Letter 4

Ms. Markowitz,

I love a good challenge! Too bad this isn’t one of those! BURN!

Do you see what I just did there? I “pwnd” you. Yes, I am learning the language of the American Youth. I am doing this so that I gain their trust and so that they will beg their mommies and daddies to please please please make Rupert Hornsby the president of the Dorland County School District PTA. Then once I have been placed in your current (my future) position, I will obviously make changes. BIG CHANGES!

I will start by having the students take an increasing number of field trips to your wicker basket factories. The children will, no doubt, be moved by the productivity and crave for their little hands to be helping the process. So, we will have a basket making session afterwards. They will fall in love with assembly line work, much like how I did when I was a lad.

You see, Ms. Markowitz, I never intend on forcing any children to work. I believe you have me all wrong. I simply wish to inspire in them the love for constantly working for little to no pay with no benefits and for an unclear ultimate goal that seems to only aid the tycoon at the top of the chain (yo). This is what happened to me as a child, and I wish to inspire in these children the same lust for the 19th century industrialist era.

This is why I sent all the children in the school district polls and survey questions. I have instructed them to send the answers to both myself and to you, Krystine, so that you can read not only the honest questions, but their true desires.

“Catcha latron”!

– Rupert Hornsby