Common Nonsense – Letter 6

Dear Alan the so-called Genius,

After a lifetime of avoiding the evil and radiation of electronics, your brother finally convinced me to buy one of those personal computers that are gaining popularity. His stories of naked ladies and this magical item known as “porn” (or is it pr0n, I’ve seen it both ways and just don’t know which way is correct.) really sold me, especially after your mother left claiming she could no longer live with getting her news from the televisions in the front window of the corner electronics store that we’re all still shocked exists.

Subsequent to finding the Google machine I learned of this strange new concept called “ego-surfing” and decided to try it. Using my original name: Alan Henguver produced only pictures of a very strange bearded man, sometimes with a baby, so I decided to use my old local newspaper advice-columnist name: Alan the Genius.

I think you know what happened next. Around page fifty-seven there was your site and though at first I thought it a coincidence after seeing your warped version of our hot-tub coming of age story I knew you had stolen not only my name, but my old livelihood.

First of all that contraption we built was not a mini-sauna it was a new bathtub. It was very difficult to build as the company sent over a videotape with detailed instructions on how to build it but alas no device on which to play it. I don’t really recall why we built it in the basement, I think it had something to do with the fact that your mother liked cold baths and hot air rises; I guess I just assumed the same with anything hot.

You know we were never a very affluent family, sure the lack of electronics certainly eased the financial blow to our daily lives but still the whole “taking-baths-together-while-standing-in-a-tiny-bathtub” tradition was a weekly routine. Did you block that out of your head? Our discussions of “meat, sports, and babes” were also part of this routine, I guess when you’re standing back to back naked with your father in a sauna/bath you’ll discuss anything to distract yourself. Is that why you were never joined any sports teems, and became vegetarian?

Finally the “sweat of Odin” tradition you explained offends me. You know that our Norse lineage is very secretive and well protected and that the sweat of Odin may not be shared with any outsiders. You may have very well ended the secret traditions the sons of Odin. Thanks son.

I want you to know that while I appreciate the effort you and your brother have put into this spiderwebsite you must be more careful of the secrets you give out and also stop using my given advice columnist name.

-Your father: Alan the (ORIGINAL) Genius

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Common Nonsense – Letter 4

Richard,

If I may be so bold, I must say that this is the finest website I have ever laid by genius eyes on. With that being said, my ears left your website a little bit underwhelmed. Can you do something about that? I’m thinking some Europe or Journey. What do you say? I don’t just want this to just be an advice column, I want it to be a full-on multimedia experience!

How has the traffic been? Have we gotten any e-mails from advertisers looking to give us lots of money to put more animated GIF’s on our site? I sure hope so – Lisa has been on my ass (literally and figuratively) about bringing some money into the household. Sure, I’ve been unemployed for 3 years, but I was trying to find my calling. It still perplexes me why she doesn’t understand that.

Anyway, I received another reply from Craigslist, here’s another Golden Nugget of Knowledge:

Dear Alan the Genius,
My 13 year-old son and I are constantly at odds. It seems like every time we are together he is looking for a way to push my buttons. Just yesterday when I told him to come to dinner he yelled from his room, “I’m not eating anything you make because it all tastes like dick.”
I feel like I’m a good father (and at the very least a passable cook), I never hit my son and I’ve provided him basically anything he could ask for. What can I do to bring us back together?
Sincerely,
A Good Father

A Good Father,
If you’re writing to me with this problem I’m going to assume you have yet to perform the “Alan the Genius Coming of Age Ritual”. Here’s how you can become closer to your son:
First, construct a mini-sauna with a tap at the bottom. It should be large enough for you and your son to fit inside while standing back to back and that is all. Simply hook your furnace up to your sauna and figure out a way to get your son inside (chloroform?). Stand in the sauna with your son for exactly 3.5 hours. Discuss these three topics: Sports, meat, and babes. Instruct your wife to unlock the sauna after the allotted time. You will then fill 2 pint glasses with you and your son’s sweat from the tap. You will both chug these pints and upon completion exclaim “TO ODIN!” Your son will forever be connected to you through your perspiration and you will no longer need to suffer his teenage-ness.
You’re Welcome,
Alan the Genius

Do you remember when Dad had us do the coming of age ritual? Man, crazy times, right?

-Alan (the Genius)

PS: Congrats on the new Beau, don’t fuck this one up like you did with Carolyn!

Common Nonsense – Letter 2

Richard,

Let me start off by saying that you should not criticize that which you do not understand. My relationship with my wife is so complex and deep that sometimes even I can’t comprehend it. All you need to know is that Lisa and I are madly in love and we’re not going to let a mere spork stabbing mess that up. If you must know what a “sexy burrito” is, it’s when Lisa dresses up in her Snuggie and I douse her with hot sauce. I just got a little excited when the “feast” commenced. Can you blame me?

Anyway, this is exactly why I am qualified to run an advice-column. If I can deal with the shit that Lisa and I put each other through on a daily basis, I can easily handle anyone else’s “problems.”

So far I’ve gotten only one response from my post in Craigslist, but here it is:

Dear Alan the Genius,
I am a 42 year old man and I’ve been married to my wife for 6 years. Things had been going very well up until a couple of months ago when it appears that she no longer wishes to have sex with me. She is always coming up with excuses like “my head hurts,” or “I’m so tired from work.” This has put quite a strain on our relationship and I’m not sure what to do. Please help.
Sincerely,
Apparently Unattractive

Dear Apparently Unattractive,
First of all, why the hell would your parents name you that? Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. What is it, Eastern European or something? This is probably your first problem.
Your second problem, I’m assuming, is that you are not presenting yourself correctly to your wife. If you are kindly requesting sex from your wife, you’re doing it wrong. Studies have shown (no I don’t have to show them, shutup) that a majority of women look for a dominant man, a man who can kill a rabid wolf with his bare hands and bench press
at least 250 pounds. It goes back to when we were cavemen or some shit.
Now, listen to me very carefully – go out, buy yourself a caveman costume. Make sure it’s made of tiger skin, the seduction will not work if it’s not. Approach your wife, grab her forcefully by the nose and grunt loudly directly into her ear. “RUUUUUUUUUUUUUG” is approximately what you should say, but feel free to take some liberties with the pronunciation. She will be so intimated/aroused (basically the same feeling, as studies have shown) that she will no longer be able to resist you. After that, just hang on for the ride, Tarzan.
You’re Welcome,
Alan the Genius

There, what do you think? I gave myself a “stage name” for marketing purposes, but it works on so many levels that I’m thinking about making you call me that, too.

I don’t know much about websites so I’m going to leave most of the design up to you. Make sure there are at least 3 animated gifs and the “A” and “G” in my name are on fire. Thanks Rich, this really means a lot to me.

Your favorite brother,
Alan the Genius