Team Deathray – Letter 3


Your letter enraged every fiber of my being. This is why after reading it, I went over to your place to give you a talking to. But when I got there, I read the note on your open door that said “Out with my hackey-sack club. But come in and rest your weary head, friend.” Let me just say that it is absolutely insane of you to leave your door wide open when you are not home.

When I got back to my place, Sunny had already begun eating your “famous barbecue tempeh strips.” She said to me “oh, you’ve got to try these, Scott. My brother makes such GREAT vegan cuisine!” Because I love your sister, I tasted one.

It was one of the worst things I have ever put in my mouth. It tasted a bit like what I imagine eating a live frog would taste like. It went on an unending conquest in my mouth that scorched the earth of my taste buds — making other flavors unnoticeable for the next few hours.

This set me off, and Sunny and I got into one of our famous one-sided arguments. I started yelling about how your family is insane, has terrible cooking skills, and does not take volleyball seriously enough. She just laughed and told me that I should remember the Samsara and try to reduce the anger in my “karmic account balance” so as to be one step closer to “Moksha.” I stormed out of the room.

Love is a funny thing, Phil. I never thought I would fall in love with such a free spirited person like your sister. I am a meat, potatoes, and anger man myself. I come from a long line of hard working, angry people that didn’t have time between working the land and maintaining adequate animal husbandry to debate the Four Noble Truths according to the Pali Tipitaka. But love is a strange wildebeest. And here I am today with a wedding band around my finger and a picture of your sister in my wallet.

But enough of that sentimental bullhockey. I hope that Sunny told you that I did not attend your family’s bizarre drum circle because I practiced volleyball alone. I put the net up to the house and would throw the ball onto the roof. It rolled off the roof, over the net, and I would bump, set, and spike it by myself. I did this for a few hours, then went inside to formulate plans for our upcoming game.

However, I came to a depressing realization when drawing up game plans. I know that this game will go as poorly as the last one. You are all completely un-dedicated, nature loving hippies.

But, I love Sunny with all my heart. So, I need your help, Philip. That’s right, despite the fact that I utterly despise you, I need you to help me tolerate you and your familial “clan.” I am worried that if I continue my immense hatred towards everyone in Sunny’s life, she may leave me.

And an added bonus would be that perhaps by tolerating you, we could all work better together as a team, and take Team Deathray all the way to the top of this recreational beach volleyball league! Like in one of those cheesy movies where the underdog wins everything in the end and everyone’s happy and the team capital gets all the accolades. I would LOVE accolades. I DESERVE accolades.

So please help me understand your strange, vegan-friendly, tree-hugging way of life. If you can suggest anything to help me cope, I’m all ears.

I just don’t think I can eat that disgusting tempeh garbage again. So that’s off the table.


– Your brother-in-law Scott

Team Deathray – Letter 2


Oh man, I almost thought you were serious there for a moment. Then you went and eluded to yourself being a physical threat to my sister’s – your wife’s – well-being and I was all like, “This dude and his personality are just SO flappin’ adorable!” Seriously, could I get a side of organic vegan buffalo sauce because I could just EAT YOU UP! Metaphorically, of course. You’d actually be way too difficult to chew on account of all your muscles.

All kidding aside though, volleyball  was a splendid time, right? Cold beverages, a gentle breeze and the sun shining. I know you didn’t get to enjoy the sun as much as I did because of that beach volleyball-specific full-body-onesie you had on, but I loved it. Where did you even get that thing? HAHA! Sure, we only went 8 and 2, but those 2 games were really close and we tried SO hard, despite being a wee bit under the influence. Your whole being upset act was HILARIOUS, though. You almost even CONNECTED with some of those wild hay-makers.

Two things before I’m off to yoga: Firstly, you’ve probably noticed a box that arrived earlier today from Fed-Ex. Well, my sister told me how much you loooove barbecue, so I rustled up some of my famous barbecue tempeh strips. Everyone in my hackey-sack club absolutely loves them, so undoubtedly you will, too.

Secondly, the clan (that’s the silly name we use for our family. Haha, like it?!) is getting a little drum circle party going tomorrow and OF COURSE we all want you and my sister to come. So bring your best bongo, it should be a totally rad time. Oh, and obviously this means I can’t make it to volleyball practice tomorrow, sorry! If you can’t make it (silly me for organizing on such a short notice) then I’ll see you in a couple days for some V-Ballin’ (haha, I think that’s called “ghetto’izing or something. IDK.).

Much love, my friend.

Team Deathray – Letter 1


I would like to discuss with you your performance on the Volleyball courts.

I know it was our first week of this recreational league, and I even heard some people from other teams say things like “this is a great reason for us to drink beer and have snacks by the water!” Well, this is NOT the attitude I have, and it will NOT be the attitude that we have on Team Deathray.

Team Deathray is about WINNING. Winning and winning alone. Which is why I declared myself team captain, and why am writing to you today. This is a competition, Philip, not an excuse for you to laugh with your friends and play games.

I know that we only met at your sister’s and my wedding a few weeks ago, but the reality of the situation is that I am here to stay and that things will be my way or the highway. We had to move back to New Jersey because your sister’s job transferred her back to her hometown. No offense, but I was fine not knowing your family. The stories I hear make me uneasy. All the joy and imbibing and baking…not my style.

I am big on stern competition and winning. I laugh whenever people say “it’s not a competition.” EVERYTHING’s a competition! This recreational Volleyball league was your sister’s idea. She wanted to get some friends and your family together in an opportunity for us to all get to know each other better. I warned her that if we did this, I would need to be team captain, and I would require 100% dedication. She laughed.

She should not have laughed.

This recreational league is serious business, Philip. And if we are to win am going to have to start seeing more dives, more spikes, and less chit-chat and beer consumption. How you choose to abuse your body is none of my business. However, it becomes my business when you bring a cooler to our court and ask who wants “a brewskie.” This behavior has to stop NOW.

We will meet after work tomorrow to go over drills and discuss our next plan of attack. It’s a war to first place, and I intend on standing atop a pile of those who I have defeated and shouting “I HAVE DEFEATED YOU! I AM YOUR NEW GOD!”


– Your brother-in-law Scott