The Open Road – Letter 8

Mr. Miller,

Hollywood has treated us quite worse than I had expected. Although our trip hasn’t been entirely fruitless, it appears that getting a movie deal involves a little more than just being in Hollywood. That’s alright, I’ve got plenty of time and a decent sum of money to get the greatest Lighthearted Buddy Comedy in the history of everything made.

The evening I arrived in Hollywood I met up with a couple of my Halo buddies for a tournament in order to earn my budget for the flick. I’m admittedly pretty dominant thanks to Dad paying for lessons, so I breezed through the first couple of rounds. I made it to the final match and it just so happened that I was facing the largest and most muscular member of a rival crew, “Teh Crunkpwnrz.” I got the decisive victory, but this gentleman was none too happy about some of my post-game comments (I still stand by my calling him the Loserest Loser of Losingberg) and he and his crew started to chase me down.

I managed to escape them for a bit, but they pursued me all the way back to the truck. I explained to Eddie my situation and was faced with a difficult decision. Do I release Eddie and run the risk of him beating me down for his imprisonment or keep him chained up and receive the beating of a lifetime? I couldn’t possibly defend myself against all Teh Crunkpwnrz!

I released Eddie and he proceeded to bash each Crunkpwnr into oblivion. Who knew that a 30-something grizzled trucker could handle a handful of 16-20 year-olds obsessed with video gaming? Then he knocked me out with a single punch to the side of the head.

I woke up in a diner with Eddie sitting across from me, eating a plateful of bacon. He handed me a pen and paper and told me to write you.

I hope I’ve convinced Eddie enough to stay in Hollywood with me and get our movie made. It would be the ultimate ending to our epic journey and I would probably cry the entire way up to Seattle if he didn’t stay.

-Danny

The Open Road – Letter 7

Mr. Miller,

Continually being handcuffed to the passenger seat of this truck is starting to piss me off. Dan had me sleep in the truck last night out of fear that I would beat him in the face with my fists. I must say that he is beginning to catch on to my repeated threats of assault. Good for him.

He woke up God knows how early to begin the 12 hour haul from Albuquerque, New Mexico to Hollywood. We arrived about an hour ago and have been sitting in the truck, pulled over into the shoulder on the Hollywood Freeway, amidst all the litter and broken dreams.

Dan has been thinking of the best move to make next. His first idea was to drive over to Paramount Studios with an outline for his screenplay (titled trucKING Royalty), and “naturally assume shooting would start later that day.”

Now I may not be some Hollywood Star, but I sincerely doubt that all it takes to get a major motion picture studio to begin work on your 1-page screenplay outline is to “show up in a truck and let nature take its course,” as Dan mentioned. I attempted to convince him of this, but it’s no use. I only temporarily halted this embarrassing moment while Dan ponders the best place to park Barbara in Hollywood while he gets us suits to show up in.

Another idea of his is to meet up with some of his “Halo buddies” (apparently it’s some video game. GOD, does everything have to be about “buddies” with this guy?!). There’s a tournament in LA tonight, and apparently you can win money by playing this video game. He assures me that many of Hollywood’s social elite are also addicted to this game, so while there he can network and get his screenplay in the hands of a studio executive.

As much as I bitch and complain about this situation, I must admit that I have a small, small hope in the pit of my stomach that this movie deal will actually go through. Dan has stated he’ll split the money 50/50 with me. That cash would be great. And plus, the whole idea of being a famous movie star ain’t bad either.

Who knows what’ll happen next. But even if I get rich thanks to Dan, I’m still gonna punch the little prick in the neck for handcuffing me to this seat. At least the last buddy film he showed was Some Like it Hot. That Norma Jeane’s quite the looker.

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 5

Mr. Miller,

SEND HELP NOW!

After our night in Wichita, Kansas, I briefly thought that Dan was not that bad a guy. Watching Roadgames with him really put me in a good mood. I even called him “Danny” once. I figured if he was going to nag me about it the whole trip (and since his father could fire the hell out of me in a heartbeat) I’d give it a whirl. I cringed, but it went ok. And he smiled like a pig in shit.

Well, my mood changed when I woke up the next morning in the passenger seat of my truck. I had a throbbing headache, and both of my arms were handcuffed down by my side. Dan was nowhere to be found.

I was squirming and yelling for help in that truck for about two hours. All to no avail. Finally Dan arrived back with a portable DVD player and an entire bag full of movies. After screaming my head off at him for quite a while, I finally let him speak. He said that he walked a few miles to the nearest electronics store and bought all this crap for us to watch as we went on our “detour.”

After fantasizing aloud about murdering him, I sat back and accepted my fate for the time being. Dan said his plan was to take us to Hollywood so that we can star in our own buddy comedy about two truckers “from two different worlds who find it tough to see eye-to-eye” trucking across the country and becoming best friends. He said that he had drugged me in the middle of the night (hence the headache) and then dragged me to the truck. He said this would give our buddy comedy “a quirky moment.”

It was then that I reminded him

A. he’s not a trucker
B. I’m not his friend
C. This is now considered a hostage situation
D. Buddy comedies suck about 99% of the time

But it’s no use. He laughs at me like I’m joking around with him all the time and it just makes me want to beat him senseless all the more.

Since I never let him drive Barbara before, he continually stalled the truck and made her gears screech. Poor, poor Barbara. You’ll be back in my hands yet!

He gave me pen and paper for me to write to you, but I think he knows of my open-desires to punch him in the face because he did not remove my handcuffs. I am going to try hard to get my hands free and take over the truck once again. These 500 boxes of microwavable popcorn aren’t going to deliver themselves! And I’m determined to get us back on track and onward to Seattle.

I don’t know why I wrote “us,” since if I do get out of these cuffs I’m throwing him the hell out of Barbara and leaving him to fend for himself on the side of the road.

I sure as hell better think of a plan soon. Another 48 Hours is about to end and I don’t think I can sit through Twins. SEND HELP NOW!

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 3

Mr. Miller,

Dan has been asking me to call him Danny and trying to hug me frequently. I know that this is a sensitive situation because “Danny” is the Company’s Owner’s son, and his dad has a thing for firing people who disagree with him, but I really…REALLY do not want to be walking around calling him “Danny” while he’s reaching for a warm embrace. There’s just something about the way this guy operates that leads me to believe we’ll soon be the laughing stock of any truck stop we enter.

I mean, just today I was trying to talk to him about how lots of times truckers are tempted to run illegal. I was about to explain this by stating how due to the rules requiring that after 14 hours from your begin time on a given day, you need a 10 hour break no matter how many miles you’ve driven. Now you and I know this means that, more often than not, you’ve gotta bend the rules a bit in order to ensure your delivery gets there on time. But do you know what Dan asks me after I tell him truckers may have to run illegal?

“Did you know that the French Dog breed Dogue de Bordeaux was developed for pit fighting in the 15th century? Talk about illegal! Can you imagine that nowadays? Oh Em Gee.”

He then went on to explain that Dogue de Bordeaux was the breed of dog that Hooch was in Turner and Hooch. Are you kidding me?! TURNER AND HOOCH?! I made sure to go to a hotel with a DVD player tonight. We went to a nearby video store and rented Roadgames, quite possibly the best thriller flick with a trucker as the main character. I’m hoping the murderous suspense along with the hot Jamie Lee Curtis will help guide Dan(…ny) towards the right path.

This kid just seems to know way too much about ridiculous buddy comedies and not nearly enough about well, say TRUCKING for instance. But, I figured we’d start small and at least get him into better movies. To think “lighthearted buddy flicks,” as he put it, could be someone’s favorite movie genre is ridiculous. Is it even a genre? I mean, I’m all for stories about two tough guys in a tough situation (like Tango & Cash), but if it drifts into silliness you can count me out.

Anyway, back to business. Since I’m running legal with him (figured if I showed him the ropes, I’d show him right), we were at Birmingham, Alabama yesterday after 14 hours, and today we’re in Wichita, Kansas. I still have no idea why he wants to be a trucker. And I may hate him and the way he blabs on and on about useless facts from shitty movies, but I’ll train him best I can.

Let’s just hope it sticks.

Wish me luck, Alan.

– Eddie