The Open Road – Letter 15

Mr. Miller,

Well, we did it. 2 Days after shooting ended, Danny and I revealed our true identities to the star-studded Hollywood cast and crew of our movie trucKING Royalty. Danny took off his long blond wig and Orlando-Bloom-as-Legolas attire, and I simply stated that despite my mustache, I am not Burt Reynolds.

They stared for a minute in awe, then Martin Scorsese said “Well, I appreciate the amount of moxie and acting expertise needed to pretend to be a talented actor for the entire length of a shoot.” Robert Redford then came over to us and shook our hands, saying “I know the feeling.” He then winked and slipped me a piece of paper that he started scribbling on as we exposed our true identities.

They said for us all to take 15. Danny and I walked out of the room and opened up the folded piece of paper Mr. Redford gave us. I’ve attached it so you can see for yourself

Danny and I spent most of the 15 trying to decipher the handwriting. And we’re pretty sure it says that THEY are also impersonating celebrities and that trucKING Royalty was going to be edited into a porno!

I actually thought this was pretty hot, and was only upset that they didn’t just ask if we wanted to make it a porno in the first place. That would’ve been one wild ride that I’d’ve taken part in!

But Danny…holy shit that kid was pissed off. He stormed right back into the room and punched the fake Martin Scorsese in the face! That guy was down for the count. Then he stood menacingly over him and said “You don’t RUIN buddy flicks by making them more about sex and less about the growth of a platonic bond between two characters. You’ve besmirched the good name of Hollywood with your sleaze!” Then he spit on the the guy, stared down the rest of the room, and walked out.

I followed him out. And while I would’ve been game for having sex with smokin’ hot ladies in the porno, I had to hand it to the kid, he stood up for what he believed in. And there’s nothing more admirable than that.

“Robert Redford” walked out and told us that his real name was Mark Allensburg. He said that he exposed the situation to us because he truly believed in trucKING Roylaty. He said that the people we were working with had connections with someone actually employed at the movie studio we broke into. They got a hold of our script and sent it over to these scammers who just wanted to do a porno based on people impersonating Hollywood celebs (apparently they “knew” the whole time? I don’t know if I believe that). He presented a card for their organization called “WildChilds: we put the WOOD in Hollywood.”

Witty, I must say. But Danny still wasn’t about to play any games. He demanded to know who the head boss was of the WildChilds. He rattled off a list of what he planned on doing to the guy; and after some threats of physical violence were delivered Mark’s way, he fessed up that it was an Alan Miller from Miami, Florida.

Alan. We’ve known each other for a damn long time. So many years you’ve helped me out, so I am going to say one thing: if you are the same Alan Miller that heads up the WildChilds and screwed with Danny and his dream movie…be prepared to feel his wrath. He went completely batshit when he heard the name, and now we’re about to board a plane back to Miami.

I suggest getting the hell out of there before it’s too late.

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 13

Mr. Miller,

Shooting is going well on trucKING Royalty. As Danny mentioned to you in his last letter, we only have to do about 17 minutes of shooting — the rest will be filled with action sequences and dramatic monologues.

I should say that I only have to do about 17 minutes of shooting. Since everyone still believes me to be Burt Reynolds, they’ve told me that a man of my “caliber” doesn’t need to worry about drama or action. a Stunt Double will fill in for the latter, and the former isn’t a part of my character’s shtick.

Danny on the other hand (or, “Orlando Bloom” I should say) is thought of as a “young go-getter” on the Hollywood scene. And due to his inclusion in the Lord of the Rings films, everyone expects a lot from him. Danny’s been jumping off trucks and dodging explosions, while I kick back in my trailer enjoying a 6-pack of Natty Ice and the most elegant bacon you’ve ever indulged in.

There is, however, one problem. When we mentioned getting paid in wads of cash for the film, our producer just laughed and said “obviously your payment will be directly deposited into the bank accounts we have on file for you guys.”

I believe that this means that one morning the REAL Burt Reynolds and Orlando Bloom will wake up to having a huge paycheck deposited into their checking accounts, and Eddie and Danny right here will leave Hollywood just the same as they entered it.

Danny’s not too worried about this, since his father already gives him a steady supply of cash each week. But I don’t have any such luck. And as you recall, we sent my beautiful truck Barbara up the coast to Seattle with our payload — so there goes that paycheck.

I’m not too sure how to solve this problem, but I’ve been thinking about punching someone. Danny has a different plan: the last day of shooting is very soon, and he says that he plans on having us rip off our disguises and show everyone who is working on the film the real Danny and Eddie. He claims they’ll have no option but to respect us and make us the Hollywood stars we deserve to be given trucKING Royalty‘s brilliance in the light-hearted buddy-flick genre.

I don’t know if his plan is going to work yet, but by the next time we speak, the shit will have already hit the fan, for better or worse. I’m not too sure when shit hitting a fan is for the best, but I’m hoping that this will be the first time that analogy works in a positive manner.

Wish us luck, you old dog, you.

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 11

Mr. Miller,

Well, Danny and I decided that we had to go with Plan B: sneak into the studio and replace the shooting scripts with the buddy comedy we wrote based on our strange and humorous adventure(s) in trucking. Danny figured that we’d be allowed in if we dressed like celebrities. I told him that these are powerful stars and executives, and how those guys work so little that the studio would probably be dead by the evening. So, I geared myself up in all black (including a ski-mask), Danny cloaked himself by dressing like Orlando Bloom in Lord of the Rings (I still don’t get him), and I got us in thanks to the ring of keys I received after landing that Security Guard gig at the studio.

But, as I’ve said before, I don’t know a damn thing about the way movies are made in Hollywood. And, apparently, it’s not a 9-5 situation like I thought.

So, instead of walking onto an empty set, we broke in at 8pm and bumped right into a director who was shooting a new romantic comedy. When he saw us both decked out in “ridiculous costumes,” as he called them, he thought it was “a great artistic choice” and told us to “get on set.”

Danny and I shot a scene where we showed up as dinner party guests in our ridiculous getup. And, they even suggested we adlib dialogue and just roll with it. Naturally, my character was a trucker who discuss the hardships of life on the road. Danny’s character was a nerd who loves archery, and wants to be a trucker but knows jack-shit about it.

Overall, the shoot went great. Afterward someone on the set said “excellent performance, Mr. Reynolds.” Danny clued me in that, thanks to my mustache, they probably think I am THE Burt Reynolds. Any chance I get to act like my role model, the main man from Smokey and the Bandit — the number one trucking movie of all time — is fine by me. So, I kept the lie going.

I then used my fraudulent fame to show the producer and the director our script for trucKING Royalty. They told “Burt Reynolds” that they’d have it read by the morning, and seemed very excited about the idea.

I always thought of myself as a trucker first, a man second, and a mustachioed bacon lover third. I never once thought of myself as a Hollywood actor. But, let me tell you something, if acting’s anything like walking onto a set, being mistaken for Burt Reynolds, and “improvising” by talking about the one thing you know, I think I’m gonna be damn good it.

We’ll let you know how it all goes down after our meeting with the producers tomorrow afternoon.

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 5

Mr. Miller,

SEND HELP NOW!

After our night in Wichita, Kansas, I briefly thought that Dan was not that bad a guy. Watching Roadgames with him really put me in a good mood. I even called him “Danny” once. I figured if he was going to nag me about it the whole trip (and since his father could fire the hell out of me in a heartbeat) I’d give it a whirl. I cringed, but it went ok. And he smiled like a pig in shit.

Well, my mood changed when I woke up the next morning in the passenger seat of my truck. I had a throbbing headache, and both of my arms were handcuffed down by my side. Dan was nowhere to be found.

I was squirming and yelling for help in that truck for about two hours. All to no avail. Finally Dan arrived back with a portable DVD player and an entire bag full of movies. After screaming my head off at him for quite a while, I finally let him speak. He said that he walked a few miles to the nearest electronics store and bought all this crap for us to watch as we went on our “detour.”

After fantasizing aloud about murdering him, I sat back and accepted my fate for the time being. Dan said his plan was to take us to Hollywood so that we can star in our own buddy comedy about two truckers “from two different worlds who find it tough to see eye-to-eye” trucking across the country and becoming best friends. He said that he had drugged me in the middle of the night (hence the headache) and then dragged me to the truck. He said this would give our buddy comedy “a quirky moment.”

It was then that I reminded him

A. he’s not a trucker
B. I’m not his friend
C. This is now considered a hostage situation
D. Buddy comedies suck about 99% of the time

But it’s no use. He laughs at me like I’m joking around with him all the time and it just makes me want to beat him senseless all the more.

Since I never let him drive Barbara before, he continually stalled the truck and made her gears screech. Poor, poor Barbara. You’ll be back in my hands yet!

He gave me pen and paper for me to write to you, but I think he knows of my open-desires to punch him in the face because he did not remove my handcuffs. I am going to try hard to get my hands free and take over the truck once again. These 500 boxes of microwavable popcorn aren’t going to deliver themselves! And I’m determined to get us back on track and onward to Seattle.

I don’t know why I wrote “us,” since if I do get out of these cuffs I’m throwing him the hell out of Barbara and leaving him to fend for himself on the side of the road.

I sure as hell better think of a plan soon. Another 48 Hours is about to end and I don’t think I can sit through Twins. SEND HELP NOW!

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 3

Mr. Miller,

Dan has been asking me to call him Danny and trying to hug me frequently. I know that this is a sensitive situation because “Danny” is the Company’s Owner’s son, and his dad has a thing for firing people who disagree with him, but I really…REALLY do not want to be walking around calling him “Danny” while he’s reaching for a warm embrace. There’s just something about the way this guy operates that leads me to believe we’ll soon be the laughing stock of any truck stop we enter.

I mean, just today I was trying to talk to him about how lots of times truckers are tempted to run illegal. I was about to explain this by stating how due to the rules requiring that after 14 hours from your begin time on a given day, you need a 10 hour break no matter how many miles you’ve driven. Now you and I know this means that, more often than not, you’ve gotta bend the rules a bit in order to ensure your delivery gets there on time. But do you know what Dan asks me after I tell him truckers may have to run illegal?

“Did you know that the French Dog breed Dogue de Bordeaux was developed for pit fighting in the 15th century? Talk about illegal! Can you imagine that nowadays? Oh Em Gee.”

He then went on to explain that Dogue de Bordeaux was the breed of dog that Hooch was in Turner and Hooch. Are you kidding me?! TURNER AND HOOCH?! I made sure to go to a hotel with a DVD player tonight. We went to a nearby video store and rented Roadgames, quite possibly the best thriller flick with a trucker as the main character. I’m hoping the murderous suspense along with the hot Jamie Lee Curtis will help guide Dan(…ny) towards the right path.

This kid just seems to know way too much about ridiculous buddy comedies and not nearly enough about well, say TRUCKING for instance. But, I figured we’d start small and at least get him into better movies. To think “lighthearted buddy flicks,” as he put it, could be someone’s favorite movie genre is ridiculous. Is it even a genre? I mean, I’m all for stories about two tough guys in a tough situation (like Tango & Cash), but if it drifts into silliness you can count me out.

Anyway, back to business. Since I’m running legal with him (figured if I showed him the ropes, I’d show him right), we were at Birmingham, Alabama yesterday after 14 hours, and today we’re in Wichita, Kansas. I still have no idea why he wants to be a trucker. And I may hate him and the way he blabs on and on about useless facts from shitty movies, but I’ll train him best I can.

Let’s just hope it sticks.

Wish me luck, Alan.

– Eddie