Grover is Gone! – Letter 6

Chief Chesterfield,

First, let me start off by saying that my wife is a TREASURE. I would sooner close the doors of my cheese caves than I would close my heart to my sweet, deadly Estella. I am now offended on three fronts:

  1. You have called me “a peculiar, somewhat lame, weird-metaphor-making father.”
  2. You declined our Tri-Battle for Estella’s love.
  3. My son is still missing in the woods near your campgrounds.

I am sorry if you find me “somewhat lame” and my metaphors “weird.” Perhaps you would be happier if I made camp metaphors: I miss my son as if my heart was a campsite, and my son was a camper who had gone missing from it.

Oh wait. THAT LAST PART HAPPENED. MY SON IS MISSING FROM YOUR CAMPGROUND.

So that’s numbers 1 and 3. As for number 2, I refuse to let this Tri-Battle be denied; and not only because I made a really cool binder for it with a wonderful front cover.

But, I also won’t give up on the battle because it is for my wife’s honor. Whether or not you say you have romantic feelings for her, I can feel in my heart a sense of longing for Estella.

This is why I am also driving down to the campground to initiate this battle with you. I will send out this letter, with the attached picture of the binder’s cover (so you know what you’re in for), and then I will leave in 3 days. This will allow fear to settle in as you read over the letter which tells you of your impending humiliation. Also, I’m expecting a fresh shipment of cheeses in 2 days that I must tend to.

It will be wonderful to be by Estella’s side once again. I know I will win in the Cheese Connoisseurship round. Even though I don’t know you, I must say that my “smooth as mozzarella, sharp as farmstead cheddar” approach to boxing makes me feel that I will take you down in the ring. As for your specialty, “Performing Motivational Speeches from Sports Movies in Costume,” I will spend my 3 days doing a bit of research. If I could win all 3 categories, you would owe me $100 in addition to forfeiting Estella’s love. Standard Tri-Battle Rules.

Oh, and while I’m at the campsite, I’ll assist in looking for my son who is VERY ALIVE, NOT LOST OR DEAD, and who is probably just FROLICKING IN THE WOODS.

Be prepared.

Signed,

–          Leslie Conroy

Grover is Gone! – Letter 3

Mr. Conroy,

I suppose we’ll start with the matter that you are probably most concerned about: No, we haven’t found your son yet. We even checked the caves, as you had asked. However, we’ve found a couple of clues that are very good signs that he is still possibly alive. First off we found his “Camp Kerchoki” Hat dangling on a branch 3-4 miles from camp. Although this is no guarantee he’s alive, It’s a much better sign than finding the hat dangling off a bear’s ear.

We also found a stool sample consisting almost entirely of Ring-Dings that was only 2 days old (we have a fairly sophisticated science and nature cabin, as you may have read in the brochure). Apparently Grover had been a very untruthful Husky Hawk. This makes us almost certain he is still alive and frolicking through the Kerchoki Forest! Unless, of course, a bear tore your son open and ate only the contents of his stomach and we found the bear feces. But… um… I doubt that happened.

Your wife has been here for only 3 days, but ever since she pulled up to the camp on her motorcycle (which she apparently “procured” from a gentleman when her car ran out of gas), the camp has been VERY different. In a good way, mostly. Your wife has certainly taken a leadership role in not only finding your son but in the weight-loss regime of the kids, as well. The campers have been losing weight at a record pace thanks to Estella’s “Terrify the Chub Out of Them” program. Basically, this program consists of your wife threatening to give the campers a “back-alley liposuction” if they didn’t get their acts together. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I’ve never seen the Large Lemurs run so fast!

She’s quite an aggressive lady, Leslie. In the time that she is not searching for Grover or pointing knives at the campers, she has basically harangued me into being her personal manservant. I’ve been personally preparing and delivering her meal of whatever animal she decided to kill that day as well as massaging her feet. After every massage she gives me a robust slap on the rear and yells “Mission Complete, Soldier!”

I hope this letter brings you comfort that we are still hard at work finding your son and your wife has settled in quite well here. I’d like to thank you again for choosing Camp Kerchoki, the North West’s premier summer excursion for teens of abnormally large size. Keep in mind that losing children is NOT a company policy and is a very rare occurrence. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely
Chief Chesterfield