Now that we got the awkward part out of the way (gosh, that was weird…but NECESSARY), we can get down to business!
Here’s a list of items that we need:
– 3 popcorn flavored lollipops
– 17 cases of Fuji apples, flash-frozen to preserve the 100 year journey to our time
– A 2010 Chone Figgins baseball card
Here’s a list of the preliminary tasks we need you to do:
– Read up on canaries and bran
– Get yourself into shape, specifically your upper body and your “digging muscles”
– Buy a puppy and take loving care of it throughout its life
The last one isn’t for us, but it’s just a good idea. Puppies are wonderful. Better than dolphins (fuck dolphins, man).
You’re probably very confused, and that’s ok. We’ll explain more to you when we’re able to.
For now, all you need to know is this: the first three letters were weird, yes; uncomfortable, yes; but necessary? Very much yes. We need to reverse a POWERFUL event that has taken place, and you need to do it for us.
So, this is the first time we are being nice and “normal” to you. But, again, our first three letters HAD to be sent. If you sift through our insults and odd requests, you’ll find some valuable information in them.
For now, you get to those lists I just left you! If you’re good, we’ll explain some stuff next letter.
Now that you’ve taken care of the preliminary tasks we asked of you (thanks for sending that 2010 Chone Figgins baseball card, he’s going to have a monster year, trust me), I figured I could let you in on a little bit of information about the future. Not enough to alter the space-time continuum so much that the United States gets attacked by a murderous race of giant sea turtles (again), but enough to make you totally jealous.
To start off, no, there are no flying cars. At least not anymore. A slight lack of foresight by AeroFord resulted in most of the flying cars obliterating each other mid-air. No lanes – people make their own lanes. The cars that didn’t become murder boxes were impounded or sent to museums. We’re all back to driving regular cars, powered by canaries.
I know you’re probably wondering about time-travel. Well, to sum up time-travel in one sentence: NOBODY TIME-TRAVELS. It’s really boring and totally not worth the risk. In case I hadn’t made in clear in my first paragraph, the future is great. Like, way better than the past. Why would we want to go back and look at boring losers like you (no offense) while we have 3-D virtual reality back in our own time? Even if we were interested in observing what you had for lunch last Tuesday, the possibility of completely ruining everything in the future is surprisingly high. Even the littlest thing – like someone from the future waving hello to you – could potentially have cataclysmic effects. If you wish to learn more about this, there was a documentary released during your time called The Butterfly Effect starring the man who now has a 30-foot tall bronze statue standing on the Hollywood walk-of-fame, Mr. Ashton Kutcher.
Also, dolphins can talk now. At first it was really cute, but now they’re just annoying – always whining about how much the want another fish. Fuck dolphins.
Thanks for your help, the next letter will inform you as to the next step in the process.