The Providers – Letter 1

Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill,

Dude, dude, DUDE.

I’M SO DRUNK. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

HONESTY-TIME, HONESTY-TIME, man. I’m from the future. No no no no no, wait… seriously. YOU STUPID SHIT, LISTEN TO ME! This writing back to the past is serious business. Me and Greg – Greg from the future who don’t know yet – have been drinking a serious amount of Cuervo at his parents peacock farm. It is some f’d up s, man. They have this weird idea that peacock-dancing is the entertainment wave of the future – well, after SURGE BALL, of course.

Then me and Greg had this idea. CHECK IT OUT! We tell someone in the future to start the peacock-dancing trend, so by the time we come around it’s mega-popular and Greg’s parents (and us, of course) can reap the benefits – and by benefits I mean a dick-load of CASH MONEY.

So here’s what you basically need to do: If you’ve got 2 peacocks, bring ’em round the yard and teach ’em how to dance. If you’ve got just one peacock, get another one, then bring ’em round the yard and teach ’em how to dance. If you are 100% sans-peacock, acquire two peacocks, bring ’em round the yard and teach ’em how to dance. IT’S THAT SIMPLE.

In return, we’ll give you tiny hints about the future so you can maybe possibly benefit from them.

Dude, this is going to be SO SICK. I LOVE YOU DUDE, I FUCKING LOVE YOU, MAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Eat my balls,
Dom

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The Providers – Letter 3

Bill,

If all else fails remember these words:

“Girl I can’t understand it, why you want to hurt me
After all of the things I’ve done for you
I buy you champagne, roses and put diamonds on your fingers
But still you hang out all night, what am I to do?

My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, party all the time
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, she parties all the time

Girl I seen you at clubs, just hangin out and dancing
You give your number to every man you see
You never come home at night because your out romancin
I wish you’d bring some of your love home to me

My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, party all the time
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, she parties all the time”

Bill, we know that you have had some issues with your girlfriend recently, we know it seems like she wants to party all the time. Just remember that the 59th President of the United States, Mr. Eddie Murphy, can commiserate. It happens to all of us.

Now stop moping around, you have to stay focused if you’re going to help us prevent this tragedy. Greg and I have been diligently working to prepare every upcoming occurence so as to prevent any tears in the space-time continuum, and that’s not easy for two dudes who have worked in the Bran Factory for half their lives. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, STAY SHARP, KID!

More info to follow, make sure to check your mailbox and floss daily.

-Dom

The Providers – Letter 5

Bill,

Now that you’ve taken care of the preliminary tasks we asked of you (thanks for sending that 2010 Chone Figgins baseball card, he’s going to have a monster year, trust me), I figured I could let you in on a little bit of information  about the future. Not enough to alter the space-time continuum so much that the United States gets attacked by a murderous race of giant sea turtles (again), but enough to make you totally jealous.

To start off, no, there are no flying cars. At least not anymore. A slight lack of foresight by AeroFord resulted in most of the flying cars obliterating each other mid-air. No lanes – people make their own lanes. The cars that didn’t become murder boxes were impounded or sent to museums. We’re all back to driving regular cars, powered by canaries.

I know you’re probably wondering about time-travel. Well, to sum up time-travel in one sentence: NOBODY TIME-TRAVELS. It’s really boring and totally not worth the risk. In case I hadn’t made in clear in my first paragraph, the future is great. Like, way better than the past. Why would we want to go back and look at boring losers like you (no offense) while we have 3-D virtual reality back in our own time? Even if we were interested in observing what you had for lunch last Tuesday, the possibility of completely ruining everything in the future is surprisingly high. Even the littlest thing – like someone from the future waving hello to you – could potentially have cataclysmic effects. If you wish to learn more about this, there was a documentary released during your time called The Butterfly Effect starring the man who now has a 30-foot tall bronze statue standing on the Hollywood walk-of-fame, Mr. Ashton Kutcher.

Also, dolphins can talk now. At first it was really cute, but now they’re just annoying – always whining about how much the want another fish. Fuck dolphins.

Thanks for your help, the next letter will inform you as to the next step in the process.

-Dom

The Providers – Letter 7

Bill,

Greg and I just came back from the site you were meant to bury the canaries in the Suspended Animation Chamber and honestly, I was a bit disappointed. I thought we had made it clear how costly it is these days to acquire these precious little birds ever since the motor vehicle companies found they were an extremely cheap source of energy. There’s hardly enough for two average-joes and their hair-brained experiments in time travel (or, since no one’s actually travelling, hair-brained experiments in Past Manipulation).

Nevertheless, Greg and I will trudge on. We have an old friend Pablo who used to work with us at the Bran Factory until he inherited a pet store from late Grandfather. I’m sure he’ll have a few of them lying around.

I hope you understand how dire our situation is, Bill. Greg and I need our jobs back at the factory. We’re lost without them. This is why I’m giving you one more opportunity to help us. All we need you to do is dig a tunnel beneath Francisco’s Pet Store on the corner of 25th and Henson. This should give us an entry way into Pablo’s store in the future so we can get our canaries. 

Should you fail us again, this endeavour could prove deadly. Pablo’s got a bit of a temper. You don’t want the weight of two future guys looming over you, do you? I didn’t think so. DIG THE HOLE, BILL!

-Dom

The Providers – Letter 10

Bill,

It’s like I always said: if you’ve got 2 peacocks, bring ’em out round the yard and teach ’em how to dance.

ha HA!

Anyway, man, that was crazy. To think that all I needed to provide Dominick was 3 copies of the Farmer’s Almanac from 1985 in order to solve everything. I mean, wow. It’s just uncanny.

But that’s so Dom, man. THAT’S. SO. DOM. He’s just a wiz with all this technical stuff. I never could’ve gotten it right. I’m more of the ideas man, you know?

And the timing couldn’t be any more perfect because Pablo’s coming tonight to get back the extra canaries we stole from his pet shop. But now that all’s well, it’ll be no problem. Remember how he told us “I’m going to MURDER YOU BOTH”? Oh, Pablo. He’s such a character.

Oh wait, you probably don’t remember. That’s the thing: we just discovered today that the Time Machine Mailbox Dom and I invented had the settings all screwed up. You see, we had been mailing you the letters to be delivered in spaced-out increments going forward in time but starting 100 years before we wrote the first letter. Turns out the setting was in reverse. OOPS.

No big deal. It just means that now you’ll be receiving the letters backwards instead of forwards. So. Umm…I guess that actually means when you read this you won’t know anything about what happened yet.

Wait a minute…oh man…this could be bad. OH MAN! That means right now you have no idea who we are or why we’re even writing to you!

Listen, just trust me here: go buy yourself a whole bunch of canaries, ok? It’ll all make sense in the end. I can’t remember what Dom wrote you last time, but hopefully when you get it later this week it’ll help clear things up a bit.

Also, was the Fringclaxitor invented yet in 2010? If not, start eating a whole bunch of bran and hope for the best.

Your pal from the future,

– Greg

Common Nonsense – Letter 5

Alan the Genius,

You are so right. I don’t know how the simply amazing idea of having a song blast into your ears the second a website loads slipped right past me. You know what they say: sometimes you can obtain a college degree in the subject and work for years as a web designer, and then your brother comes in and blasts you away with his outside the box thinking.

As per your request, I have added a midi file (it’s the high-tech way computers play music) of Any Way You Want It by Journey.

As for how the traffic has been, head to the site and take a look at our webcounter. There are SO MANY HITS that it does not even slow down to give me a proper number!

Check it out for yourself:
http://alanthegenius.angelfire.com/

With a site in such high demand, it is obviously a money-volcano waiting to erupt. I suggest sending discount coupons to various companies to entice them to advertise with you. Sketch up a couple coupon ideas (wording, pictures — however in-depth you’d like to get) and then we can start dispersing them to Fortune500 businesses looking to get even richer.

Your latest bit of advice brought back terrible memories. I never got how you could stand Dad. I despised our odd upbringing. Living without electricity and modern technologies was ridiculous. Sure, maybe if we lived in a cabin in the woods…but we were in NEW YORK CITY. We were the only family on the block — or in the entire borough I bet — who didn’t have a TV, or a phone…or even a working light switch.

I guess that’s why I decided to learn everything about computers. I became technology obsessed.

Also, things with Susan have been going great. Sometimes I’ll admit that I would like a regular conversation rather than wild sex dressed as a caveman; but I’m a tad bit worried if I try that out it may end our relationship as a whole!

I’m reluctant to ask you for advice given that it was following your brilliant advice that drove Carolyn away. But…do you have any pointers?

And please, I don’t want to hear anything about dressing up as a giant sandwich and slathering mayonnaise all over myself. It didn’t work last time and it certainly won’t work this time!

– Rich