I have to hand it to you, Rupert, your almost-guaranteed-to-fail Plan B seems to be working. This past week I’ve sent a handful of students home for wearing “WWJPD?” (What Would J.P. Morgan Do?) T-shirts.
What’s worse is that a group of parents have been circulating a petition to remove Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle from our reading list and replace it with Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. While Rand’s philosophical novel is a classic, the parents claim their reason for the replacement is to, “Prevent the Red Plague from infecting our family, schools and country.” This just so happens to draw more than a few parallels with the Red Scare of the 1940’s and 50’s, a dark time in our nation’s history. I am all for students getting a fair balance of view points, but we also mustn’t take a step backwards and teach our children that those of a differing opinion are evil and out to destroy the fabric of American society.
You’ve left me no choice but to move on to my Plan B, which is posing as too-cool-for-school-but-cool-enough-to-hang-around-it-all-day Super-Senior Janet von Gams. I’ll be hanging around outside the Middle Schools, buying the 8th graders cigarettes, giving the teachers the middle finger when they tell me to stop loitering, and explaining the advantages of unions and Universal Health Care. Soon, every student will demand fair treatment of all employees and wish to go to college and have a reasonably successful career. Your plan will be foiled and I will retain my title of President of the Dorland County School District PTA.
I warned you about playing the game with me, Stryker. Now you let the tiger out of the cage. RAR!
Your attempt at manipulating the youth of Dorland County is absolutely deplorable, but what should I expect from a man who thinks that adding “yo” at the end of a sentence will make him more suitable for the presidency of the PTA. I received the polls you had sent out throughout the school district and they are, although quite clever, one of the most clear-cut examples of ugly politics that I have ever experienced.
Although I have faith in my constituency to not fall for your dastardly attempt to confuse them, I have taken the precaution to write a letter home to all of the families of Dorland County. The letter explains how your poll was meant to not only smear my administration but to put a positive spin on child labor in Dorland’s wicker basket factories. I’ve attached a copy of this letter to show you that you have chosen the wrong person to play dirty politics with.
It has come to my attention that an opinion poll has recently been distributed throughout the elementary schools of the Dorland County School District. I would like to advise you that these surveys are in no way connected with the DCSD PTA but have in fact been distributed by a man looking to exploit your children’s naivety. Below are a few examples of the questions of the surveys:
- If given the option, would you rather stay in boring old school or work in a factory where all the cool, older people work?
A. Stay in boring school because I’m a loser. B. WORK IN A FACTORY! School is for nerds
- Wouldn’t you like to go on more field trips to the Dorland Wicker Basket factory or Disney Land?
A. Yes, I love field trips. B. Yes, I love Disney Land. C. No, I have cooties
- Did you know that HITLER went to school, too?
A. Oh no, I don’t want to end up like Hitler. B. Oh no, I wish I could stop going to school right now!
These are just a handful of questions from the disturbing survey. Please do not be alarmed when your child asks you if they can quit school and go work in our town’s factories. This is exactly what this horrible man is trying to instill in our children. We here at the DCSD PTA are working as hard as we can to prevent this man from causing anymore distress to the psyches of our children.
Your attempts to confuse and control our children will not be tolerated. But if you want to play, Mr. Hornsby, be forewarned that I wrote the book on this game.
I’m not sure how you found my address, but I’ll admit that it’s a bit off-putting knowing you moved into my neighborhood specifically to exact revenge for your denial of candidacy. I do not know you very well, but I would go so far as to say that this is the most petty thing I’ve ever experienced.
As you may have found out through your discovery of my address, I am the current president of the Dorland County School District PTA. This, of course, leaves me no choice but to crush you like every other opponent from every other political party I’ve faced in the past 14 years. I have absolutely no reason to believe that the lovely people of Dorland County would wish to see a change in policy when they’ve seen a literacy increase of 12% and a 14% increase in the number of 5th grades passing their math aptitude test since I began my tenure. And I haven’t even mentioned the staggeringly profitable Bake Sales!
Although I have begun to notice your campaign posters throughout town, my constituents will surely see through your claim that “Town factory productivity will increase 15 fold” if you are elected PTA president. Yes, I’ve noticed your posters popping up throughout the town. Maybe you misunderstand the role of PTA president like you misunderstood the Working Families Party. The PTA president is in charge of the schools, not our lovely wicker basket factories.
I urge you not to continue to waste money on your campaign and save it to achieve a college degree in somthing other than politics. This is clearly a battle that can not be won, Mr. Hornsby.