Team Deathray – Letter 9

Phil,

Listen man. I know that you’re worried about my new lifestyle change, but the truth of the matter is that it’s all good. Before you took me under your wing, I used to be angry and omnivorous, ALL THE TIME. Now that I work out my aggression with a mortar and pestle, I am nothing but peaceful. Plus, I learned to make great Pulse Chutney and Khichdi. Is there anything a mung bean can’t do?!?

I am just a man of extremes, and for that I would apologize, except that I don’t feel it is necessary to do so. For instance, you know how your belief that Kyle, the all-knowing being that presides over all living things, was simply a faith loosely embodied by a presence and without the confines of organization?

NOT ANYMORE!

I took a bunch of PCP the other day and created this chapbook.

It outlines much of what I believe to be your personal beliefs. See that? Because I am COMMITTED to everything I do, you now have yourself an actual religion. Now you can totally SHUN people for not following it properly (there’s a whole chapter on shunning).

As for the reason I am changing, I must say that at first it was about the volleyball (and my wife continuing to love me). But I am happy this way now, Phil. There are so many simple joys in life that I just overlooked beforehand. I like to think that this is the ideal me.

However, if you expect me to give up competition, you are QUITE MISTAKEN. In fact, one could assess that my habit of going to extremes is due to an underlying belief that everything in life is a competition, and therefore an ultimate state of perfection in each field should be striven towards at all times.

Just look at me now: I don’t like most foods anymore, I take recreational drugs as frequently as possible, and I just wrote the Kyle Bible. I am so much more PERFECT than I thought I was when Sunny and I first moved to New Jersey!

And to top it all off, next week is the championship Volleyball game! Holy smokes I am so excited I could just grab a hackey sack and do a Stepping Ducking Paradox Blender into a Barfly Swirl, you know?

Since I can tell from your letter that you are not so into giving people drugs without their consent in order to ensure our victory, I am going to have to use a bit of “tolerance” that I learned from you, and do it the old fashioned way. And, by that I of course mean by assuming our group mind will function flawlessly and the TROPHY WILL BE MINE!

So, I’m turning the tables a bit. I have learned from you, and I am asking you and your clan to learn a little bit from me. If you are as tolerant as you’ve made me believe you all were, you will tolerate my competitive spirit so fully that we all will be flyin’ high as a free bird atop a rainbow of dreams, and we will WIN THE TOURNAMENT!

Let’s try this out at the next few family drum circles, man. Then, next week, let’s rock out that championship. Team Deathray, go!

Licking frogs,

– Scott

Team Deathray – Letter 7

Phil Man,

Bro, that Anti-Insulting of Animals rally was GREAT! There was a time when I called protesters “shit-for-brains un-American scum.” But now, through our yoga, organic lifestyle, and recreational drug usage, I see the value in it. I really think that we blew a few minds yesterday, man. Standing still while holding signs and peacefully allowing everyone to go about their daily lives with no interruptions had to make a difference. I like the way you put it: “we will be the lonely man eating a cheese sandwich alone at a diner. We will not disturb you, but you will not be able to take your mind off of us. We will infiltrate your consciousness.” So true man. So true.

And even more true after you drop a few tabs of acid and just let the colors of the wind sweetly caress your music. Know what I mean?

This past week of hippie training has reduced my want to punch people so much so that I barely think about it anymore. Even Henry has noticed that ever since I created him by jamming a bunch of toothpicks into a lonely apple on that crazy night (oh man…so much blood and sour cream!) that I have made vast improvements. Henry frequently talks to me on my drug-induced “trips,” and I must say that he really knows how to put things.

As for Sunny, my beautiful wife, your lovely sister, I must say that I finally UNDERSTAND where she’s coming from now. She’s always spoke highly of author and pioneer of New Journalism, Tom Wolfe. But now I actually listened to her advice, and in a mere 3 days I have read both The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby. The colorful language, the frequent use of onomatopoeia designed to stimulate the senses…I NEVER would have picked up these books before unless it were to throw them in the fire (which I have done several times in the past, and which is why this is her 6th or so copy of each).

So, this new lifestyle, and the way that you say I am close to achieving a state of complete Utopia full of love and Grateful Dead records, is now giving me a new goal we must achieve.

I believe that our Volleyball games would be made ALL THE BETTER if we conducted our own little “acid test” during them. Let’s bring a large container full of a delicious sugary beverage that is laced to the MAX with acid. Then we will offer our opponents some drinks. Since we are now used to the way these psychedelic drugs affect our conscious minds, we will play well while the opposing teams may themselves freak out, run away, open containers of sour cream and ask butchers for buckets of blood to cleanse their soul. This would give us a win by default. It is a new strategy I have adopted to allow us victory in this recreational beach volleyball league that I still care about winning very much.

I noticed at our last game that since I am now beginning to smell like “the clan,” your family and I seem to have a better “group mind” which allows us to properly succeed at Volleyball games! I believe that soon both our desires will be met: I will be a smelly hippie just like my wife and your family, and I will be able to place the league trophy on my nightstand and kiss it goodnight before bed at the end of each day.

So ready the acid, Philip. We’re gonna make drug users out of innocent people!

Free love,

– Scott