Eat My Dust – Letter 4

Dear Mr. Callahan,

As a person with the amount of fame and fortune as I do, I feel it necessary to assume that your statement, “If you do not accept this copy for publication, I will be forced to take more drastic measures,” is a threat to the lively-hood of myself and my family. To that same effect, the dead crow that came crashing through my dining room window 2 days ago is being considered a threat to my life by the Londonderry police. We are all under the assumption that it is from you because of the word “GOVERNMENT” written in white Sharpee on the bird’s back.

I thought I had made it fantastically clear that you will never, EVER become a published children’s author, ESPECIALLY by Bridgewater Publishing. You just do not have what we in the biz like to call “It.” And by “It,” I mean a shred of talent. Oeihawh 9 in your book Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION! is a 95% plagiarism of Lewis Carol’s Alice in Wonderland. For example, all you did was change the first letter of the characters in Wonderland to create their Oeihawh 9 counterparts: The Larch Hare, Pheshire Cat, Aueen of Hearts, etc. How would ANYBODY go about pronouncing Aueen let alone your supposed target “5 ¼ – 7 7/12” age range?

If I were you, Mr. Callahan, I would quit the childrens’ book business immediately and seek some professional help. Do you know what Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, and Hitler all had in common? They were all terrible childrens’ book authors. Look at the path you’re taking, Harold. Is this really what you want to be? That’s what I thought.

I urge, nay, I beg you to check yourself into a mental hospital. It will work out so much better for you, me, and my terrified family. Thank you for understanding.

Sincerely,
The Obscenely Talented Elliott Bridgewater

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Eat My Dust – Letter 2

Mr. Callahan,

I don’t know how exactly you found my home address, but the answer is still a startlingly loud “NO!” It was “no” the 242 times you wrote me about “Patrick Porcupine and the Parsnip Predicament,” and the 429 times you wrote about “Farmer Fred Fasts for Framadan.” Really? Framadan? That’s Gregorius Nekschot territory right there. Look it up.

Your incessant pestering has become quite a nuisance as well as a huge waste of time to our mail room. There is no reason to send a copy of each letter to each employee of the company. The janitors have no say in who gets published and who does not. It only takes one person to tell you your writing sucks, and that person is me.

Your writing sucks.

Why? Maybe its your tragic misunderstanding of the world’s religions. Maybe its your belief that the only literary device that exists is alliteration. Maybe its because we ran a background check on you and noticed multiple restraining orders. I’m thinking though, that its probably a mixture of all of those aspects.

We here at Bridgewater Publishing Company strive for excellence in our childrens’ literature. Your writing is PARSECS away from excellent. Not only was Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION! the most head-slammingly boring book I’ve ever read (and I’ve read a few, as a matter of fact) but Dibby the Dust Bunny was portrayed by actual dust bunnies that you presumably found around the house. That sir, is disgusting.

In closing, thank you for your interest in Bridgewater Publishing Company and PLEASE STOP WRITING LETTERS TO US.

Sincerely,
The Very Talented Mr. Elliott Bridgewater