The Worst Disease Ever – Letter 7

Dr. Chiribada,

Your plan of stealing the Fonz’s jacket, albeit basically impossible to actually pull off, sounds as legitimate of a cure as any of the other ridiculous things you’ve made me do so far. I really wish there was an alternative like, I don’t know, a pill or surgery or exposing myself to extreme amounts of radiation. Are you sure this is my only chance for a cure?

If it comes down to it, I guess I’ll have to try, but I know my wife won’t be too excited about the larceny. I did my best this week to drop subtle hints about it like, “You know what would be cool? Stealing a very expensive piece of television history.” She’d laugh it off and call me douche bag just like all those times I dropped subtle hints about having a threesome. I don’t think she’ll ever understand, Bill. Maybe I should end things before things get REALLY messy, like, messier than me leaving down all over the bathroom sink when I shave or freaking out when she was cooking eggs for breakfast. Maybe she’s not the right gal for me.

You know who is an awesome gal?! Penelope Pogwater. She’d probably like stealing expensive memorabilia out of a museum just as much as she likes sleeping with bird-dudes. Which is, to say, quite a bit. I know you keep telling me to break it off, but its SOO HAAAAAAAAARD BECAUSE SHE’S SOOOOOOO IN TO ME! It’s been so long since someone thought I was really cool. Not since that time I beat Mega Man 2 in front of my 7 year old cousin. I was king of the world back then, Willy. KING I TELLS YA!

 Tweet-Dee Tweedle Dee Dee. Flee Do Dee Do Twee Do Dee. Twee Deet dee dee dee Tweet de tweedle do dee deet.

 Whoa, that was weird. It just kinda came out. Help…

 -StevBERKAW!

The Worst Disease Ever – Letter 6

Steve,

First off, that clearly drunk, clearly cross-dressing dude was hot. And there’s no shame in wanting a piece of that. I don’t discriminate: hot lady, hot man, hot cross dressing lady/man — it’s all good.

But, back to the topic at hand: Ms. Penelope Pogwater. Now, I had no intention on making this crazy bender something that would cause you to CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE. I was only hoping for some crazy fun, some macho one-eyebrow-raising, and some harmless flirting. You’ve got to play it cool, like Arthur Fonzerelli. Do you think he was having sex with all those girls he was with? NO. He was just necking a bit, and keeping Mrs. C proud. You overstepped your boundary here, Steve.

That being said, all hope’s not lost. What I need you to do is STOP having weird furry sex with Penelope! That’s only going to further your transformation into a bird. If you begin to develop real feelings for Penelope, your body is going to go into bird-overload, knowing that this is the only way to keep her.

Next step is to tell your wife the truth: tell her that the “tests” your doctor recommended was a bender. Tell her your Avian Anthropomorphism is getting worse. Tell her that she needs to help you steal Fonzie’s jacket from the Smithsonian museum.

Then, once she says “yes,” and “I love you, Steve” and “that Dr. Chiribada sounds like one sexlicious beast of a man,” you go take Fonzie’s jacket (and tell her that she’s right about me). I believe that once you have his jacket on you, your feathering will reverse itself. But you’re going to have to really…REALLY act like The Fonz. I want you non-stop watching reruns of Happy Days (I prefer past season 1, but before the infamous jumping-of-the-shark). Learn his mannerisms and take his teachings to heart.

When you get that leather jacket on your back, you may feel a jolt. That jolt is your body beginning to reject the feathers. Then, right then and there, your feathers should explode off your body. It won’t be a pretty sight (think pillow-fight on speed), and it may sting a little bit; but, luckily for you, the explosion of feathers may act like a smoke bomb: shielding you from the police and allowing your escape from the museum without criminal charges pressed against you.

Plus, the heist has an added benefit of being very macho, and that should do nothing but help your situation.

If this doesn’t work, I’m afraid your problem may be chronic and irreversible. In which case, you’ll be lucky if your wife doesn’t kill you and serve you grilled atop a bed of garlic sauteed spinach after you tell her you cheated on her.

Best of luck.

– Dr. William Chiribada III

The Worst Disease Ever – Letter 5

Dr. Chiribada,

In the words of the late, great Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons, “OH WHAT A NIGHT!”

My evening-out-turned-2-day-love-bender seems to have really done the trick for me. Sure, I’m still slowly becoming the a real-life version of Foghorn Leghorn, but after having met Ms. Penelope Pogwater, that may not be such a terrible thing. The things that happened once we left you to your hitting on that clearly drunk, clearly cross-dressing dude would make you slightly uncomfortable. But, since you’re a professional and you probably need to know about it for your research, I’ll tell you anyway.

Penelope walked into O’Malley’s at about the same time we finished our third set of shots of “Satan’s Knee Puss.” Maybe it was the Windex in the shots doing their thing to me, but I KNEW that I had to talk to her. I strutted over to her with more confidence than I’ve had in forever. We chatted, I bought her a couple of drinks. As I’m reaching for her hand to test the waters, my shirt-sleeve button gets caught on her bracelet and this young hottie I’ve been working the magic on gets a face full of down.

“This is it,” I thought, “this is where she freaks out, calls me a weird bird-freak-guy and runs.” But she didn’t. In fact, she grabbed my hand, called me a weird bird-freak-guy, and dragged me out the bar door to her place. From there we started our two day love-making, tequila-guzzling, sesame seed-gourging festival that ended when I realized that I HAVE A FAMILY HOLY SHIT!

So apparently there’s this group of people called furries. I think its a bit odd, but they like to dress up as animals and have sex in their costumes. Penelope is one of these people. I’m just as perplexed with it as you are right now.

I got home and told my wife I spent the last couple days having tests done and here I am, writing you, telling you that I cheated on my wife who won’t have sex with me because I’m a birdman with someone who won’t stop having sex with me because I’m a birdman. By the way, the symptoms haven’t reversed. Suggestions? Advice?

I look forward to you solving this terrible problem for me, Doctor. Thank you.

-Steve